The 8 Most Awkward Home Exercise Machines


Credit: Cameron Spencer/Getty Images

The “Guy Code” gang discusses gettin’ fat on tonight’s Season Three premiere, which is a lot more fun than gettin’ skinny. Nevertheless, Americans spend $5.5 billion per year on home fitness equipment. We’ve all seen the 3 a.m. infomercials and considered stepping, shaking, jumping, climbing, spinning, punching or nodding our way to a better body.

Perhaps some of these contraptions work, or perhaps they’ll just make you scratch your head a bit… but hey, at least you’ll burn a few calories in doing so.

1. The Ab Wheel


Credit: Sears.com

Pushups are great exercise. Cycling is great exercise. When you combine the two, it might still be great exercise, but you’ll look like a damn Transformer.

2. Shake Weight


Credit: ShakeWeight.com

A great way to jer–um–WORK off those extra calories. Why buy the cow when you can milk yourself for free?

3. The Gazelle


Credit: GazelleGlider.dom

Tony Little is like the Tim Tebow of exercise fads: We can’t figure out why he’s so popular, but he gets enormous amounts of media attention. His machine, The Gazelle, looks even more awkward than Tebowing:

4. The Ab Rider


Credit: TonyLittle.com

We’re not done with Tony Little yet. The Ab Rider is a knees-up, side-to-side glide workout that might make your abs look great, but will otherwise make you look like you’re desperately trying to escape from a bumper car.

5. The Flex Belt/Ab Belt


Credit: TheFlexBelt.com

Hey hey! Imagine getting rid of excess gut chub by doing absolutely jack s***! Now THAT’s our kind of workout. (Just don’t tell your friends that you’re too sissy to pump iron.)

6. NordicTrack


Credit: NordicTrack.com

Combining all the boredom of cross-country skiing with all the boredom of staying at home, you too can look like this thrilling gentleman.

7. The Vibrating Machine Belt


Credit: H.F. Davis/Getty Images

Can you believe there was a time when people simply thought shaking your ass at the speed of light was an effective workout? Well, it was the 1950s; they had more than a few backward beliefs.

8. Stripper Pole

If you have one of these in your house, you also better have a live-in stripper girlfriend.

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RG Daniels (@RGDaniels) is a comedian and writer in Brooklyn, NY.