Towel Lifts: Pumping Iron (Well, Cotton) For Your Boner

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When you get a boner in the shower, one thing inevitably leads to another… no, we don’t mean that. We mean using your towel as a schlong dumbbell. It’s called a Towel Lift, and it’s basically like taking your penis to the gym.

Confused? Here’s how Towel Lifts work: you drape a towel or washcloth over said boner and move it up and down–no hands–for as many repetitions as possible. The objective is the same as any exercise you’d do in the weight room: strength-building. (Disclaimer: You probably shouldn’t do this particular exercise in the weight room.)

Some question the effectiveness of Towel Lifts, but they’re essentially just Kegel exercises for men. Originally invented in 1948 to remedy women’s bladder problems following childbirth, Kegels (named after Dr. Arnold Kegel, who probably did like 5,000 consecutive Towel Lifts) have become popular among guys who want to supercharge their pork swords.

So, is there actual scientific proof that Towel Lifts make your dong more powerful?

First, a biology lesson: Your pubococcygeus muscles (a.k.a. PC muscles, a.k.a. the perineum, a.k.a. the grundle, a.k.a. the taint) keep your pelvic guts in place. They are very important. Without PC muscles, you wouldn’t be able to get an erection, and you’d have to wear a diaper.

The more a man flexes his PC muscles during high-octane Towel Lift sessions, the stronger his taint, and studies have shown that strong taints can enhance sexual performance. A 2005 study published in the British Journal of Urology concluded that Kegel exercises helped guys overcome erectile dysfunction, and a similar 2009 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found similar results for guys who’d undergone prostate surgery.

How do you tell whether Kegels are working? The University of Marlyand Medical Center suggests that you insert a finger into your rectum to detect PC muscle contraction. Here at Guy Code, we strongly advise against this. Just take our word for it that, if you clench your anus with great force (which is what Towel Lifts accomplish) for multiple repetitions, multiple times per day, you’re doing traditional Kegel exercises for incontinent women.

But don’t let the association make you feel emasculated. Nothing drives the ladies crazy like a huge, ripped taint.

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Will Garre (@wgarre) is a comedian and writer in New York City.