5 Movie House Party Cliches That Never Happen In Real Life

Credit: Warner Bros.

We all want a talking teddy bear like in “Ted” or a chance to get sadistic on slave owners like in “Django Unchained,” but movies aren’t real life. The silver screen especially doesn’t reflect reality when it comes to house parties. From “Risky Business” to “Can’t Hardly Wait” to “House Party,” party life doesn’t imitate party art.

1. Dancing

We’ve been to a lot of parties. Like, a lot. Never, and we mean not once, has a living room turned into a nightclub. Oh, sure, a few girls might do that stupid “Gangnam Style” lasso move, but it’s a far cry from the bumping and grinding at Bogey Lowenstein’s rager in “10 Things I Hate About You,” for example. (Granted, we’ve never been invited to a party at either Kid’s or Play’s house.)

2. The Intermingling Of Cliques

If “American Pie” were a documentary, The Sherminator wouldn’t have been in it. No, he’d be at home furiously masturbating and playing Xbox Live. But since this is the movies and every kid in school is evidently invited to every party, characters like McLovin wind up in these films. In real life, people invite their friends to parties, not the entire town. Sadly, nerds party with nerds and the cool kids party with the cool kids. That’s life, folks.

3. There’s Never Total Chaos

You wanna know the wildest thing to happen at most house parties? One of your buddies goes home with a fat chick. You wanna know what doesn’t happen? “Project X.”

4. That ‘Oh S***!’ Moment

Real house parties never feature that one moment when the entire crowd stops and focuses on one particularly scandalous conversation, lovers’ quarrel or other humiliation. Even the bordering rooms go dead silent. How is that explained? In real life, people have their own stuff going on, such as beer pong and vomiting. No one gives a crap about other people’s melodrama.

5. The Nerd Doesn’t Get Laid

Sorry, dweebs. You wanna know when nerds do get laid? In college, after they’ve had a chance to reinvent themselves–far, far away from their hometowns. The geeks from “Weird Science,” “Sixteen Candles” and “Superbad” would have no actual reason to buy condoms well into their twenties. It’s criminal that the film industry continuously perpetuates this lie, giving false hope to the utterly hopeless.

Or maybe we just never got invited to the right parties?

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Peter Hoare (@PeterHoare) is a screenwriter and dashingly handsome humorist.