The 5 Worst Things You Can Bring To A House Party

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Back in the ’80s it seemed like somebody’s parents were out of town every single weekend. At least, that’s what John Hughes had us believing. Nowadays, the house party lives on (as “Guy Code” explains on Tuesday’s season premiere) in all its jams-cranking, upstairs-bedroom-sneaking, jump-in-the-pool-in-your-underwear glory.

But showing up to a party means you have to follow some basic rules, such as bringing the right stuff. A six-pack or potato chips are always welcome, but plenty of other items will just ruin the vibe and get you kicked out.

1. Your Dog

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People love dogs, but bringing little Chucklez to a house party is a worse idea than drinking the tap water in Mexico. Idiots will feed it beer and blow contraband in its face. Also, dogs tend to smell pretty bad. Keep the pooch at home and let everyone else enjoy a party without having to watch where they step.

2. Your Demo Tape/DJ Set

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Seriously? You’re gonna be that guy? You’re gonna wait ’til the party reaches a fevered pitch, then suddenly announce that your five-piece rockabilly synth-pop band has finally recorded its first EP? Don’t do it. This is a house party, not your record release. And while we’re at it, let’s keep the DJ set in the nightclub. Whattaya say we leave the tunes to the host of the party? Cool.

3. The Lame Friend

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You know exactly who we’re talking about. That guy you constantly have to vouch for. That guy you insist is “a good dude.” He is not. He sucks. He’d complain about the music at a strip club. He orders salad at the steakhouse and thinks Mila Kunis is “just OK.” Leave this guy at home and let him take a hint when he’s sorting through party pics on Instagram.

4. The Wrong Beverage

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When in doubt, show up to a house party with something you like to drink, not the cheapest swill you can find, including whatever unholy concoction you’ve created with your homebrew kit (or the moonshine in your bathtub). This also applies to any wine cooler, fruit-infused malt liquor or just plain weird liquid in a can that some major brewery’s marketing department thought would be a good idea.

5. Detroit Lions Head Coach Jim Schwartz

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Rumor has it Jim Schwartz hasn’t smiled since 1984, and it was at the end of an AT&T commercial. This guy scares us. He has all the good vibes of a trip to the dentist. Please don’t show up to a house party with him. Thanks.

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RG Daniels (@RGDaniels) is a comedian and writer in Brooklyn, NY.