Academy Awards Snubs Guy Code-Approved Nominees


Credit: Jemal Countess/Getty Images

Nominees for the Academy Awards were announced this morning. As each category was announced we couldn’t help, but slow clap our way through the entire thing. “Les Misérables“? “Amour“? No thank you. We’re aware that a group of 60-year-olds with bad tans and bleached teeth sit in an office in Hollywood and choose these nominees. However, the Academy Awards don’t speak for the entire movie-watching community. More specifically, the Guy Code movie-watching community. We’ll pass on the artsy-fartsy, hoity-toity films that make us feel like we just got a D in high school English. Instead, we want action, laughs, explosions, blood,”Will Ferrell” and everything in between. We present to you a list of nominees that were overlooked by the Academy, but not by Guy Code.

Best Picture

“The Dark Knight Rises”

Batman takes on a juiced-up villain with enough ‘roid rage to fuel the Gotham underground scene.

“Marvel’s The Avengers”

Dudes with powers band together to save the world from a hipster weirdo.

“Looper”

Time travelin’ assassins must assassinate each other and other people trying to assassin other people. Exactly.

“Skyfall”

James Bond gettin’ all James Bond up in this piece!

“21 Jump Street”

The buff dude and the fat kid team up and make the best stoner comedy of the year.

Best Actor

Tom Cruise, “Jack Reacher”

“You think I’m a hero? I am not a hero. And if you’re smart, that scares you. Because I have nothing to lose.”

Jeremy Renner, “The Bourne Legacy”

“Now, I’ve got a plan, and it’s just not that complicated. What I’m going to do is wait for the next person to show up to kill you. Maybe they can help me.”

Seth MacFarlane, “Ted”


“Hey, play ‘Chopsticks’, you jazzy slut!”

Liam Neeson, “Taken 2″


“When a dog has a bone the last thing you want to do is take it from him.”

Will Ferrell, “The Campaign”

“You’re such a little turd that when you sit in sand, cats try to bury you.”

Zach Galifianiakis, “The Campaign”

“Hey, after this are you gonna get aftershave or toilet paper because your face is like an ass.”

Best Actress

Anne Hathaway, “The Dark Knight Rises”

“There’s a storm coming, Mr. Wayne. You and your friends better batten down the hatches, because when it hits, you’re all gonna wonder how you ever thought you could live so large and leave so little for the rest of us.”

Rebel Wilson, “Pitch Perfect”

“Well… sometimes I have the feeling I can do crystal meth, but then I think, mmm… better not.”

Kristen Connolly, “The Cabin in the Woods”

“An army of nightmares, huh? Let’s get this party started.”

Rihanna, Battleship”

“Mahalo, motherf**ker!!”

Gina Carano, “Haywire”

“You want me to be eye candy?”

Best Supporting Whatever

The Zombie Redneck Torture Family, “The Cabin in the Woods”

Bane’s Weird Voice, But Awesome Mask, “The Dark Knight Rises”

Django’s Blue Clothes, “Django Unchained”

The Hulk Smash, “Marvel’s The Avengers”

Tons of Blood, “Django Unchained”

The Soundtrack, “The Man with the Iron Fists”

The “Bad Guys”, “Wreck-It Ralph”

Damien Lemon, Taxi Driver “The Amazing Spider-Man”

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RG Daniels (@RGDaniels) is a comedian and writer in Brooklyn, NY.