Jonah Falcon is a man of average height (about 5’9″) and above-average length (9″ flaccid, 13.5″ erect). Although Guinness World Records hasn’t certified it, he’s the proud owner of humanity’s largest dong. So, pretty much the luckiest dude alive, aside from the inevitable TSA pat-downs when he travels.
He’s also an actor, blogger and aspiring TV game show host currently pitching an idea to networks (“The Size Is Right,” maybe?), but Falcon–yes, his real name–is most famous for his anatomical anomaly. We invited him to discuss it over lunch at a Manhattan bratwurst restaurant… ’cause, you know, sausage, ha ha. “I’ve actually applied for a job here,” he said as we walked inside. (Not as a menu item, we’re hoping.)
Keep reading to learn what it’s like to live large, and how normal guys can please their ladies just like a king-sized genetic freak.
When did you first realize you had a gift?
When I was 10 I was eight inches, but I didn’t think that was abnormal. I didn’t realize I was markedly different until I was 17, 18 and saw other guys at baseball camp. We were doing jumping jacks in sweatpants, and the guy leading it started commenting.
Was that super embarrassing?
I was embarrassed, but it wasn’t negative embarrassed. I felt special. I was always a showoff… one big, huge showoff.
You don’t have to wear special underwear?
No, no… although I choose briefs over boxers.
When you’re with sexual partners, do jaws drop? Is it too much for them?
Yeah, basically, even if they already know the size. I do my best to make them not nervous–a lot of making out, kissing, foreplay usually relaxes them. I’m slow and gradual. … When girls are really excited, they could take a fire hydrant.
Credit: Jonah Falcon
Lots of lube?
I always use lube. But it’s more of a relaxation thing. … I’ve been with virgins. I know how to use it.
There’s a whole industry–pills, pumps, spam emails–dedicated to penis enlargement. What do you say to guys with this obsession?
I wouldn’t worry about it. Just be a better lover and own it. If you tell a girl ‘I’m kinda small,’ show her how good you are with your mouth and it won’t matter. Compensate with other stuff.
When you’re at a urinal, do the guys next to you gawk?
I don’t use urinals; I use a stall. I don’t want to put on a show like that. It’s easier for me to sit down.
Wouldn’t you dunk in the water?
I have in the past. I’ve learned how to avoid that.
So, you look pretty white. Racial stereotypes about size are bulls**t, huh?
They’re silly. Sometimes I wish I were a 5’2″ Asian guy just to bust all those stereotypes.
Do you get offers?
Tons of them–it’s just not for me. I’m a one-on-one guy, and probably couldn’t perform in front of other people. I know a lot of porn actors, though. The biggest compliment is that a famous, famous porn actress was stunned at my size. She couldn’t believe it, and said it was the biggest she’d ever seen, including John Holmes.
Yeah, having sex on camera would take a lot of balls. Speaking of which, are your balls normal?
They’re massive. They’re proportionately as big. When I [hit puberty], they were already the size of Grade-A eggs.
Here’s another myth: shoe size. Are your feet bigger than Shaq‘s?
I wear 10.5 shoes.
Are you looking for a significant other, or happy being single?
I guess I’m looking for someone, but it’s not like I’m desperate for someone.
If only you could find the woman with the world’s deepest vagina…
I don’t need depth. I need someone who’s really good at oral.
So they’d have to be ridiculously deep-throated?
I don’t have to go all the way down their throat. Nobody’s ever completely deep-throated me anyway. … I sucked myself until I was 18 years old. I can’t do it anymore–I get upper neck problems.
Was your father particularly endowed?
No, I’m just something else.
So you’re a genetic mutant–you’d be a candidate for the X-Men.
It’s no big deal to me. … If there’s someone else bigger, I don’t really care.
Is it a curse? Would you choose to be normal if you could?
No. This is me. I was always curious what it would be like to be larger.