Today’s Dumbass: Kinky Priest Locks Himself In Handcuffs, Calls 911


Credit: Paolo Martinez/Getty Images

Who says members of the clergy have to be boring old men? Not Father Tom Donovan, a priest at St. Aloysius church in Springfield, IL. He’s not going to let his age, or his devotion to God stop him from having fun with handcuffs! Back in November, he was having so much fun with them, he had to call the cops to get him out.

Not sure which appendage he used to dial the phone, considering the two most likely ones were locked behind his back, but he was able to dial 911. Listening to the call really helps paint the picture, as he’s attempting to remain calm about the whole thing and it sounds like he’s speaking through a gag. You can listen to the audio below, but one of the best parts is when he clearly and slowly states his predicament, “I am stuck…in a pair of handcuffs.”

The dispatcher makes sure he heard correctly, “You’re stuck in a pair of handcuffs?”

The pastor confirms by very quickly and nonchalantly stating how he got in that position. “Yes. Playing with them. So, uh. I need some help getting out.”

As if to say, “You know, how you sometimes have a pair of handcuffs when you’re not a cop or a biker, and you just start playing with them and you lock yourself in them when you’re trying to get turned on? You know how that happens all the time because it’s no big deal, right? And then you need help getting out because the handcuffs are real and the guy you met on Craigslist hid the key in his butt before running away? Well, that’s me right now, so if it’s cool, just come over and unlock me. Thanks.”

Father Donovan was, not surprisingly, granted a leave of absence. Hopefully he takes that time to do a lot of weird things in a place where his God isn’t so closely watching. Like maybe Thailand or Mexico.

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Jim Tews (@jimtews) is a comedian and former quarterback for the Philadelphia Phillies.