Horoscopes For Guys: Predicting Jan 4 – 10

How was the first week of your new year? How many mistakes did you make in the last remaining moments of 2012? That’s OK. Your year should be a little bottom-heavy with bad decisions. Now, we all move on and try to stick to our resolutions. Let’s look to the skies for what further failures and misguided decisions this coming week might hold.

+ Aries

You probably made a resolution to get more done. Don’t bother. Resolve to become more charming instead, which will help you convince others to get things done for you.

+ Taurus

Focus on communication with coworkers this week. Send messages loud and clear with more than just words. For example, tell the whole office that your chair belongs to you by peeing on it a little bit.

+ Gemini

If you make any big purchases this week, use your slick conversational skills to get a bargain. If that doesn’t work, show the cashier your sad pay stubs and a few pictures of your “kids” (actually photos you found on Facebook). A little tugging at the heartstrings could save you a few bucks.

+ Cancer

Blind determination is your strength. Use it. If your goal is to spend all your rent money on a night of bottle service, then you just do that. Figure the rest out later, or claim identity theft.

+ Leo

Leave behind everything unnecessary, even if it seems awesome, because awesome stuff becomes less awesome over time. Also, your ex-girlfriend was actually boring all along.

+ Virgo

Adjust to changes you were forced to make this year. If you’re still living with your mom for financial reasons, make the best of it by putting a lock on your door and sectioning off the house by “party” and “non-party” areas.

+ Libra

Don’t worry about what others are doing or thinking. Just know that you’re smarter and better than most of them. Most but not all. But don’t worry about it.

+ Scorpio

Try to see the bigger picture. Right now, it might feel like you’re failing, because you are, but you could be failing harder. Always remember that.

+ Sagittarius

A spa weekend isn’t just for girls; you can gain as much from pampering yourself as anyone. But if possible, pamper yourself at a dive bar. Ask real nice, and someone is bound to give you a mani/pedi.

+ Capricorn

Go with the flow. Try hitchhiking, or pick up a ride-share on Craigslist. Your chances of getting murdered are actually quite low.

+ Aquarius

Are you in love? Are you sure? Imagine taking a cross-country road trip together without air-conditioning or music, except for an iPod shuffle full of old house music. Still in love?

+ Pisces

It’s OK to think highly of yourself. You’re too down on your personality and looks. Google “super successful ugly people” for inspiration.

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Jim Tews (@jimtews) is a comedian/amateur astrologer living in New York city.