Horoscopes For Guys: Your Outlook For 2013

This should be the year that you actually do something with yourself. Unfortunately, even if you try harder, you can’t do much about what the stars might throw your way. That’s just not up to you. You might spend the year riding the waves, or you might spend it swimming upstream. Smile! Let me share with you what I found.

+ Aries

You’re an energetic guy, so stay physically active this year. A walk to the store for beer doesn’t count as exercise. Go to the gym.

+ Taurus

You’re stubborn by nature. Everyone around you is getting increasingly annoyed with that. Be more flexible. Let your girlfriend dress you more often.

+ Gemini

This year, your gift of gab is gonna come in handy. Not only with the ladies, but with the police officer who considers arresting you. Play it smooth. You can talk yourself outta anything.

+ Cancer

Your intense passion will serve you well this year. Use it to develop the ability to cry on command. That’s a skill that will prove helpful in almost any situation.

+ Leo

Much like the Taurus, you’re stupidly stubborn. That’s gonna make your year difficult. Practice saying “yes” to things others suggest. If they suggest anything illegal, either say “no” or take Gemini’s advice.

+ Virgo

You tend to distract yourself from your own problems by focusing on projects. Focus more on yourself this year. Get more dental work done.

+ Libra

The way you approach your problems intellectually has worked in the past, but this year, try being more spontaneous. Meet a girl on Craigslist, have her move in with you. See how it goes.

+ Scorpio

You have a tough time letting go of emotional attachments. This year, just as an exercise, change your name and move to Arizona for six months. Cut off all contact from loved ones, and understand what it really means to be alone. It’ll be fun!

+ Sagittarius

You’re kind of a restless dude. Just relax. This is the year to settle down. Don’t be afraid of becoming a townie. Get a job at the mall. Were you ever really going to leave anyway?

+ Capricorn

Overwhelming work schedule? Forget to get your family gifts? Stop at a gas station, buy them cupcakes and cigarettes. It’s the thought that counts.

+ Aquarius

You’re living on your strong morals and your strong principles. That’s admirable, but don’t be afraid to get a little dirty. Cheat at Monopoly for once in your life. Everyone else is doing it.

+ Pisces

You’re still having issues with shyness. This year, take a pole dancing class. Strippers are super confident, at least on stage. Be more stripper-like.

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Jim Tews (@jimtews) is a comedian/amateur astrologer living in New York city.