Horoscopes For Guys: Predicting Your Christmas Break

When I laid down on my roof last night to look at the skies and take my weekly reading, I became incredibly dizzy. I was still drunk from a Christmas party I had attended earlier. I tried everything to get rid of the spins–putting one foot on the floor, eating a half a pizza, drinking another beer. Nothing worked. However, I powered through with one eye closed and did my best. My apologies if these are a little inaccurate.

+ Aries

You may be dealing with a great loss this month, but don’t let it get you down. There are so many really good sales going on after Christmas, you can fill that void with cool sneakers.

+ Taurus

This will be the year you end up taking that sort-of-attractive gas station attendant home on Christmas Eve. It’s going to be a magical night, but an awful morning.

+ Gemini

If you’re sad about being single this holiday season, think about all the money you’re saving and all the fights you’re avoiding. If you’re still sad after doing that, then I can’t help you.

+ Cancer

If you have the chance to be a hero, go for it. Take a friend’s keys if they’ve been drinking, or stop them from singing karaoke. Both acts will save everyone involved.

+ Leo

You’re currently facing a big dilemma, a fork in the road. Take the path that leads to the most nudity. You will not be sorry.

+ Virgo

You’re trying to quit a bad habit. Maybe it’s cigarettes, maybe it’s an unhealthy relationship. Try replacing one with the other to make the transition easier.

+ Libra

Creativity is the key to problem solving for Libras. Get thinking outside the box by depriving yourself of sleep for several days, or doing mushrooms.

+ Scorpio

Be weary of the advice you give a good friend. Telling him that his girlfriend is awful when he already knows it will only cause a larger divide between the two of you.

+ Sagittarius

You’re going to get invited to a ridiculous house party this week. You’re probably going to break something, so blame it on the underage drinkers.

+ Capricorn

Because of your overwhelming work schedule you didn’t have time to get gifts. Stop at a gas station, buy cupcakes and cigarettes for your family members. It’s the thought that counts.

+ Aquarius

You’re going to think you’ve fallen in love this week, but you probably haven’t. Christmas lights, alcohol and a lack of sleep can really turn your brain to mush. Take a nap. When you wake up, you’ll see things for what they are.

+ Pisces

You are worried about the unstoppable passage of time. Don’t be. You’re never too old to believe in Santa Clause, but sitting on his lap when you’re a grown man is just weird.

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Jim Tews (@jimtews) is a comedian/amateur astrologer living in New York city.