The Best Christmas Foods (If You Want To Be A Fatass)

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If you read most women’s sites this week, you’ll learn how to diet over Christmas vacation. Eat this, not that. Replace x scrumptious treat with y tasteless vegetable. Oh, they’ll lecture you about restraint and self-control and not washing down a fistful of cookies with a carton of eggnog. But this is a blog for MEN, and what man doesn’t love his big ol’ jiggly gut?

The holiday season is the most wonderful time of year to grow your cellulite lovechild. Just follow these simple, delicious tips, and you’ll be well on your way to Tubby Town (Santa Claus is its benevolent dictator), singing “All I Want For Christmas Is Foooooooooooood.”

1. Appetizers

A couple years ago in New Jersey, 650-pound Donna Simpson–who reportedly wanted to be earth’s fattest woman–ate 30,000 calories on Christmas. To surpass her massive achievement, you’ve gotta start with as many hors d’oeuvres as possible.

See that tray of broccoli and cauliflower? Carrots and celery sticks too? Throw it in the trash; nobody will miss it. Just drink the ranch dip straight from the cup. Let its tangy buttermilk globules trickle down your chin. Smear it with your hands and then lick your fingers. You’re naughty, that’s what you are. Naughty.

You don’t want shrimp with cocktail sauce; you want CRACKERS with CHEESE. That’s right, gentlemen, carbs ‘n’ dairy, the best of both worlds. And don’t settle for any random cheese either: Mozzarella only has a third the fat of luscious, delicate brie (a majestic 66 grams and 900 calories per cup). Why even bother cutting the rind? Just shove the entire wheel into your face hole and commence munching. It helps if you form the alphabet with your tongue.

2. Sides

Dinner is served, the moment you’ve been waiting for with unfettered, covetous lust. You want to immediately reach for a hunk of moist, gravy-slathered meat, but first you must select your side dishes. Choose wisely, for filling up on asparagus would be a Christmas wasted. (Unless it’s drowning in oil and/or butter, in which case, hell yeah, asparagus.)

Peas or green beans? Get real. Cranberry sauce? Meh. Corn? Hmm… is it creamed?

Here’s what you want, baby: you want lasagna. Follow this EpicMealTime recipe to get 5,463 grams of fat and 71,488 calories in one fell, gastrointestinal holocaust swoop:

3. Meat

Yes, yes, ohhhhh yes. The main course. The highlight of December–the highlight of LIFE.

If your family only has one choice of meat, just hope it isn’t turkey, which has a measly 149 calories per serving. Ham is a little better with 180 calories, and sausage is a respectable 305. But if you really want a holly-jolly morbidly obese Christmas, you’ve gotta go with…

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With a spectacular 472 calories per serving, eating duck is like riding the express train to Corpulence City, way beyond Tubby Town. Chomp it with the skin left on, you silly goose.

Speaking of which, eat goose for a bonus 427 calories. (Now that’s a “fowl ball,” because you’ll be having a ball and shaped like one, too.)

4. Dessert

Don’t mess around with candy canes–those are all sugar, no carbs–and instead fill your rapidly expanding belly with fudge (117 calories), peanut brittle (138 calories), gingerbread (170 calories), yule log (250 calories), pecan pie (500 calories) and–everyone’s favorite winter culinary mutant amalgamation–fruitcake (654 calories). Who wants seconds? Nay, who deserves seconds, just for being you? (The answer is “you.”)

5. Liquid Calories

To eat, drink and be merry, you’ve gotta drink. While a fancy occasion typically calls for wine or champagne, that’s only 100 calories per glass. Same for apple cider. Hot cocoa doubles your fat (and doubles your fun!), but there’s no competing with that unholy sludge known as eggnog, which gives you quadruple the artery-clogging, chin-multiplying glory.

Eggnog by itself, however, is eggnog incomplete. Up its 400 calories to 460 with a Starbucks Eggnog Latte. Then add some ye olde Christmas spirit–not traditional Kentucky bourbon (100 calories), but Baileys Original Irish Cream (327 calories)–for a total of 787 per cup, nearly half your recommended daily allowance. So allow yourself two of them!

You’re going to the gym for your New Year’s resolution, right?

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog