The 5 Worst Party Fouls You Can Make On Monkey Day

Credit: Jerry Genius/Getty Images

Monkeys are awesome. They sort of look like us, they kind of smell like us, and they pretty much act like us, except when they’re busy eating people’s faces off. (Some people eat faces off, but it’s been a few months.) When you go to a zoo that doesn’t have koalas, the first place you go is the monkey house. You’d never watch your cousins throw poop at each other, but you’ll happily pay an admission fee to watch your evolutionary cousins do it.

On December 14th humanity celebrates International Monkey Day, which honors our closest animal relatives. Never heard of it? Well, Monkey Day is mostly observed by nerdy zoologists–but just like with St. Patrick’s Day and Cinco De Mayo, we believe that it could become a great excuse for everyone to get drunk and act like, well, a monkey.

But just like with those holidays, there’s such a thing as going too far and being “that guy” (or, you know, “that monkey”) who gets kicked out of the bar. There has to be Monkey Day etiquette, or else it’ll be a Rise of the Planet of the A-holes. Here’s five party fouls to avoid, taught to you by monkeys.

1. Don’t scare girls away

2. Don’t be completely gross

3. No one likes an attention whore

4. No one wants to make out with an ashtray

5. Trust your friends when they cut you off

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a stand-up comedian and writer based in Brooklyn, NY.