Mansumer Reports: ‘Fresh Balls’ Keep Your Balls ‘So Fresh. So Dry.’

Shopping is every guy’s least favorite activity. When you do buy a product, however, it’s gotta be the best of the best. “Mansumer Reports” will keep the junk away from your junk.

Do you ever get that no-so-fresh feeling? You know, when your scrotum is basically submerged in a gooey lake of stank-ass perspiration? Hey, a dude’s gonna sweat during a basketball game–either playing in one or just watching it on TV. While you could just smear deodorant all over your crotch, you might wanna try Fresh Balls® (“The Solution for Men”).

“For the first time there is a product that prevents wetness and the uncomfortable feelings of being sweaty, sticky, and chafing in the groin area, which all men suffer from,” says the product description. “Fresh Balls is an easy to apply lotion that dries quickly, so it won’t clump on your skin or leave a powdery residue in your pants.”

The all-natural ingredients include oatmeal and tea tree oil. (No longer will sufferers have to dunk their humidity-plagued sacks in Quaker Oats and/or Lipton.) The product, $11.88 at Amazon, has a 4.3-star average from 93 customer reviews. For example, “Freshest balls ever” and “gives my balls a silky feel that the girls love.” Here’s our favorite testimonial, written by an American hero named Dia Akin:

Kept me fresh even at war!!!

As a US Marine, I deployed to Afghanistan in 2010 during the summer months. While on mission convoys, riding in an heavy-metal, “light or no AC blowing” truck for hours on end, wearing over 100 lbs of gear in 128 degree heat, my balls would sweat and slide all over my leg like they were being sauteed in olive oil. I tried various powders only to have my balls looking like two powdered-donut holes by the end of the day. … On the very next convoy, I decided to try out Fresh Balls. What can I say? In a word….INCREDIBLE!!! Even riding for 6 hours to our mission, despite sweating like a hooker in church, this product held up solidly as I probably could have struck a match on my balls they were so dry!

We haven’t personally tried Fresh Balls®, but we can’t argue with an endorsement like that. (Although we have personally tried Dude Wipes, which certainly do the job.) Also available for purchase: Fresh Breasts® for your girlfriend’s breasts, and Fresh Feet® for your girlfriend’s feet. What every dame wants for Christmas!

Still not convinced? Here’s a Grammy-worthy Fresh Balls® tribute song:

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog