Horoscopes For Guys: Predicting Dec 14 – 20

Well, it’s Friday again. You’ve probably got huge plans to make a mess of your local chain restaurant. No matter what your horoscope tells you, make the most of your situation. If you don’t live somewhere exciting, go H.A.M. at a non-chain restaurant. STARS!!!

+ Aries

You feel like you’re losing steam on a big project. Focus. Shotgun a few energy drinks and strap yourself to your desk chair. Play Skrillex on a loop. Keep a phone nearby in case your heart starts beating visibly through your shirt.

+ Taurus

You must tirelessly pursue your dreams. Unless your dreams involve a woman that’s way out of your league. Settle for being friends, but don’t help her move if she asks. That’s always kind of a trap.

+ Gemini

This week, consider the risks more carefully than the rewards. Are you willing to risk your friends’ respect for the reward of your Taylor Swift lip dub video going viral?

+ Cancer

Because of a particularly dense cloud, I was unable to read your sign. Just lay low this week, do what you can to make sure nothing too bad happens to you. Sorry about that.

+ Leo

You had a particularly unsettling argument with a close friend last week. Repair the relationship this week by not sleeping with his ex.

+ Virgo

Last week was a pretty big win for you in the lady department. You can keep the streak alive this week by not getting super drunk at your work Christmas party. You say horrible things when you’re super drunk.

+ Libra

If money is an issue for you, try getting a second job. Or a first job. You’re so lazy.

+ Scorpio

You’re unsure about a potential romantic partner. Welcome to the human race.

+ Sagittarius

Give yourself some credit. You’re kind of awesome. Prove it this week by entering an amateur rap battle. Use the phrase “I’m kind of awesome” over and over again, no matter what your opponent does. You’ll totally win.

+ Capricorn

Show holiday spirit by giving out signed glamour shots of yourself to friends and family for the holidays.

+ Aquarius

This is the week to play it safe. If you were gonna send a nude pic to a female co-worker, you probably shouldn’t. Wait until next week.

+ Pisces

You’re feeling down about your current career choice. Prove your worth at work by bringing in donuts on Monday. If nobody appreciates them, you’ll have something to throw at your boss when you quit.

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Jim Tews (@jimtews) is a comedian/amateur astrologer living in New York city.