David Koechner Reviews The 12 Best Bald Dudes Of 2012

Photo: Andrew H. Walker/Getty Images for AXE Hair

That’s veteran actor and comedian David Koechner pointing to his bald dome. Because he’s damn proud of it…as well as the remaning circle of hair surrounding his head’s summit that other baldies shave (Matt Hasselbeck) and some cover with a hat (Ron Howard).

Along with SNL’s Abby Elliott and actor/comedian Owen Benjamin, Koechner just wrapped up a six-city romp with AXE Hair’s “Splitting Hairs Comedy Tour.” Among other topics, the trio discussed hair (surprise!) and Koechner’s lack thereof. He doesn’t lament his bareheadedness, though. Koechner celebrates it. It’s actually cool to be bald now, maybe the universe’s way of balancing the unrestrained hairstyles of the ’70s and ’80s. Or maybe most people realized they looked ridiculous. Whatever the case, bald is back.

Koechner is uniquely qualified as a funny bald man to break down the best follicly-challenged dudes of 2012, so we asked him to comment on the top 12 as selected by Guy Code Blog. Koechner’s genius follows.

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Charles Barkley

Photo: Getty Images

Koechner: “Chuck has demonstrated Hall of Fame baldness for being and athlete and entertainer. He has a natural confidence which emanates from his hairline.”

Bruce Willis

Photo: Getty Images

Koechner: “Bruce continued to play a bad-ass in 2012 in ‘The Expendables 2‘ along with fellow baldie Terry Crews, and in “Looper” alongside Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who went bald before in ‘50/50.’ Conclusion: Bald is Bad-Ass.”

James Carville

Photo: Getty Images

Koechner: “Highly sought after for his opinion on all political matters. His baldness adds to his credibility. Bald = Smarts.”

Rick Ross

Photo: Getty Images

Koechner: “Hottest MC in the Game, also has told me he wants to record with me under the name Big Bald.”

Terry O’Quinn

Photo: Getty Images 

Koechner: “The third Tuesday of every month we have a Bald Guys Meeting in my secret basement below my basement. All of the Hollywood bald guys are there. We play cards, shoot the s***, fire crossbows and talk about guys who wish they were bald.

Terry leads all of the meetings, because he is a natural leader. All of the guys in the group have their own key.”

Samuel L. Jackson

Photo: Getty Images

Koechner: “It does not matter what year, this man is simply the Greatest Baldie of them all. Also known to me as, my best friend. Please do not bother him with confirming that last statement.”

Jeff Van Gundy

Photo: NBAE/Getty Images

Koechner: “It took a while for Jeff to embrace his baldness. He went comb-over for years. Since he has been full-dome his career in broadcasting took off. This bald pit bull has shown strong loyalty to his brother in the ‘broadcast kerfuffle.’ Note to Stan: SHAVE IT.”

Scott Van Pelt

Photo: ESPN

Koechner:  “I think this guy is The Class and The Reason to watch ESPN. You probably find yourself agreeing with him more than others on ESPN. I know why.”

Bryan Cranston as Walter White

Photo: AMC

Koechner: “If Bryan were not bald for this role the show would be called “Breaking Kinda.” He has not paid for a meal since going bald.”

LeBron James

Photo: Getty Images

Koechner: “Did you say ‘balding?’ Talk to me in five years when you’re ready to commit. On a side note, he had a pretty good year. He lets me wear his ring sometimes. We have a funny story about almost losing the ring on wild night, but I am sworn to secrecy.”


Photo: Getty Images

Koechner: “The Birdman once told me that he thinks the magic ingredient to his success may be his baldness. I agree, the man looks great. He had several custom couches made of money for our basement meetings. If you are wondering what basement meetings, you did not read the entire article.”

Dana White

Photo: Zuffa LLC via Getty Images

Koechner:  “President of the UFC and a bald guy. Do you need more evidence of our dominance? Care to step into the ring?”

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Brett Smiley @brettsmiley began joining this club at age 14.