"Physicality, fighting ability, financial wealth, sexual prowess, or coolness." Those, according to Wikipedia, are the topics on which rappers are most likely to brag. I'm tempted to dispute it, because this is the Internet and I'm supposed to be contrarian, but it actually seems pretty accurate. Some of rap's greatest boasts (for example, Jay-Z's "I'm not a businessman, I'm a business, man," and Biggie's "I got more Mack than Craig and in the bed/ Believe me sweetie, I got enough to feed the needy" ) fall into those categories. So do some of the worst and that's what we're here to talk about today.
The best bad rap boasts offer a delicious taste of irony, making the rapper look worse in his attempt to make himself look better. And after poring through hundreds of awful rap songs, we're ready to present the list of 2012's worst attempts at boasting in song. The rappers below may have more physicality, fighting ability, financial wealth, sexual prowess and coolness than I do, but at least I didn't write these lines.
8. Kanye West: "My girl a superstar all from a home movie."
This is something we all knew. Kanye's girl is Kim Kardashian, a woman who owes her initial brush with fame to a sex tape. It's worth noting that the dude in the video isn't Kanye, meaning Mr. West is bragging about his girl getting plowed by another dude. And not just that. He's also bragging that his girl has achieved so little in life that her ability to satisfy Brandy's little brother, Ray J, remains her biggest claim to fame. Bummer for her.
7. Lil Wayne: "I'm tighter than a cummerbund"
6. Future: "I let my hater be my motivator and keep grindin"
5. Waka Flocka Flame: "Homerun the p***y every time I swing my bat"
This line from Waka is classic sexual prowess braggadocio. What it's not is creative. The metaphor is forced--one doesn't swing their penis during love making! That sounds terribly painful. Boo Waka Flocka Flame. Boo you.
4. Nicki Minaj: "I’m thicker than a midget."
3. 2 Chainz: "Bought my boo bigger tits and a bigger ass"
The best part about this is 2-Chainz's explanation at Rap Genius, in which he says once he's bought a girl bigger body parts, "it don't matter what she looks like." Meaning when he pulls these girls they've got breasts and butts in need of enhancement and ugly faces. Hardly stuff to brag about.
2. Gucci Mane: "I got money in every pocket in my cargos"
Cargos, Mane? Someone call chubby white dudes from 1995, they want their comfortable yet functional shorts back.
1. Chris Brown: "We can do anything, walk into anywhere and buy anything!"
Breezy wins. This line is so uncreative it seems like a placeholder. It's an explanation, not a lyric! Hip-hop is about metaphor, word play, associations and CB doesn't attempt any of that here.
+Thanks to our friends at Rap Genius for providing the research necessary for this post
"The Big & Best of 2012: A Year End Celebration Presented by T-Mobile" goes LIVE at 12 p.m. ET on 12/12/12. Watch at BigAndBestOf2012.com for eight hours of live performances from stars like Bruno Mars and Miguel, surprise guest appearances, prize giveaways, special editions of "RapFix Live," "Big Morning Buzz Live," "MTV After Hours," "You Oughta Know" and much more!