Horoscopes For Guys: Predicting December 7 – 13

Welcome to your life forecast! Bring an umbrella, the weather’s looking crappy. Just kidding. Or am I? It’s not really up to me. I just get this info from the stars and I pass it along to you. It’s part of the agreement I made with the universe when I was gifted this incredible knack for poorly predicting the future. Anyway, this week is going to be a universally difficult one, mostly because of holiday traffic. And the fact that, statistically speaking, you’re more likely to be forced to spend time in a mall. If you’re having a tough time this week, you can always find comfort in the guidance the stars and I have provided below:

+ Aries

This is a good time for you to be financially responsible. Save your money this holiday season by giving a shout-out on Twitter to family members, instead of buying gifts. If you’re called out for it, say you’re “going green” and accuse them of not being “with it.” A #FF is just as good as any gift card, as far as the stars are concerned.

+ Taurus

This week will be particularly calm for you. Not as rushed as you expected. Take the extra time to appreciate your family, if you have one. If you don’t have one, enlist in the Army, or just find a bar you can frequent.

+ Gemini

This week for you will be a true test of your patience. You’re going to spend a lot of time sitting outside the dressing rooms and in the food courts with a special someone. Load up on iPhone games now. If you don’t have a smart phone, try and make nice with the other miserable boyfriends.

+ Cancer

You may have some difficulty in a personal relationship this week. Just remember that you’re usually wrong. Especially if you’re in your early 20s. When I was in my early 20s, I was wrong like, all the time.

+ Leo

Your sign falls under a weird moon or something, so you’re going to have a tough week. Try and get the flu so you have a reason to stay inside. Lick the handrails on the subway if you can’t find someone sick to make out with. You’ll get the flu pretty fast if you do that.

+ Virgo

You’re going to face a tough decision this week. Consider alternative methods of decision making that allow you to place the blame on something outside of your control. Like flipping coins, rolling dice or asking random celebrities on Twitter.

+ Libra

You’re overly concerned about your physical health. Don’t be. Just start wearing sweatpants all the time.

+ Scorpio

You’ve had good luck in love these past few weeks, and this next few days will be no exception. You’re going to field a lot of offers, just make sure they’re genuine. Look out for hasty attempts by women looking to find a man to take home for Christmas so her parents think she’s got it together.

+ Sagittarius

Career troubles may be your big issue this week. If you’re working retail this holiday season, keep a cool head by punching the wall of the break room every 15 minutes.

+ Capricorn

Express the overwhelming feeling of gratitude you’ll experience this week by giving back. Volunteer at a homeless shelter, or pretend to be interested in what a 21-year-old girl is saying.

+ Aquarius

Certain business opportunities will present themselves to you this week. One of them is definitely illegal in most states. Just be careful.

+ Pisces

When the going gets tough, you cry. That’s just your nature. If you’re going to cry, post a picture of your sad poofy eyes on Instagram. It’ll get tons of likes.

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Jim Tews (@jimtews) is a comedian/amateur astrologer living in New York city.