How To Use Your Phone While On The Toilet (Without Being Gross)

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Nearly a third of Americans between the ages of 18 to 24 check their social media accounts while in the bathroom, as do more than a quarter of 25- to 34-year-olds, according to a new Nielsen study. As we spend more and more time updating our various statuses, even taking a crap has become a form of multitasking.

Another poll found that Android users are likelier than iPhone users to mix their social lives with their scatological lives. Whichever phone you own, digital etiquette remains the same.

1. Texting and Calling

DO send a text. People expect an immediate reply, you have both hands free… might as well, right? (Just don’t forget to wipe your screen with a gallon of antibacterial gel later.)

DON’T make or answer a call. There is absolutely no excuse for this. No situation justifies it, including a 911 emergency. The person on the other end doesn’t want to hear your other end, and–even if you can keep the plops quiet–a public restroom’s echo will give you away. Besides, the guy in the next stall deserves peace and quiet… unless he’s on a call too.

2. Facebook

DO read your friends’ posts. Better to do it on the john than at your desk where your boss can see you procrastinating.

DON’T look at photos of girls in bikinis from their beach vacation albums. There’s a time and a place for fantasizing, and this ain’t either. Because you really, really don’t want to associate boners with bowel movements like a Pavlovian dog. (You also don’t want to associate boners with Pavlovian dogs.)

3. Twitter

DO tweet about the lunch that you treated yourself to today.

DON’T tweet about how yesterday’s lunch is treating you now.

4. Foursquare

DO check-in at the bar; you might get a special discount on drinks or hot wings.

DON’T check-in at the bar’s nasty, vomit-covered porcelain throne–you know, the one with a missing seat? And half-digested chunks of hot wings? Just because you can become the mayor of someplace…

5. LinkedIn

DO request that your former coworkers serve as job app references.

DON’T request that your former coworkers “eat sh…” Well, you know.

6. Google+

DO invite others to Google+, so you won’t be quite as lonely in this online ghost town.

DON’T invite others to a Google+ Hangout. Nobody wants to hang out with you right now.

7. Pinterest


On second thought, DON’T use Pinterest. Whether you’re on a toilet is irrelevant.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog