If you’ve walked outside lately, you’re aware that America is facing an obesity epidemic. (And we’re facing it because nobody walks outside anymore.) This is cause for concern… and celebration!
Even though fat guys cost the rest of us approximately $150 billion in annual health care expenses, it’s a small price to pay for these heroes of heaviness…
12. Whale Men Can’t Jump
Photo via TotalProSports.com
During halftime at a Hawks-Celtics game back in May, this portly gentlemen attempted to slam dunk. He even had a trampoline to help with the launch… but alas, it wasn’t enough. Perhaps if he joins Charles Barkley in Weight Watchers…
11. Fat Man Walking
Photo via Ohio Dept. of Rehabilitation and Corrections
In 1983, Ronald Post killed a hotel clerk during a robbery, for which he was sentenced to death. But earlier this year, Post’s attorney made a unique legal appeal: because Post weighs 480 pounds, he’s too fat to execute.
The victim’s son told reporters, “I don’t care if they have to wheel him in on a tractor-trailer; 30 years is too long.” The judge agreed, denying the appeal and crushing the morbidly obese murderer liberation movement. A man can die; a legend never does.
10. Freddie Combs
After losing 400 of his 1,000 pounds, Combs appeared on “The X Factor” and received a standing ovation. Britney Spears called his voice “shockingly amazing.” Even more shockingly amazing: Simon Cowell had only nice things to say for once.
9. Eric Winston
Kansas City Chiefs fans haven’t had much to cheer for since quarterback Matt Cassel arrived under center in 2009. So the hardcore fanbase collectively booed the former Patriot this season… until he suffered a head injury against the Baltimore Ravens on October 7. That’s when they began cheering. Yep, they cheered their own QB being knocked out of the game with a concussion.
Eric Winston, Chiefs offensive tackle and one of 2012’s best fat guys, couldn’t let such aggression stand and lashed out at his team’s fans after the game–giving us one of the best football rants ever caught on video.
8. Jon Gabrus
Obviously, this is a bit of a homer pick since Jon Gabrus is a castmember on MTV2‘s “Guy Code.” Not only did he deliver some of our favorite lines of Season Two, he also flew to Dubai just to eat Pizza Hut’s gigantic Crown Crust Carnival Cheeseburger Pizza.
7. Potbelly of Steel
In October, Danny Ross was attacked at home. The intruder stabbed him nearly 40 times, but Ross survived because, “I am heavier than I would like to be and [the doctors] said it was that extra weight that saved my life. … If I had been thinner I would have been dead.”
(Remember this medical marvel if you feel guilty for chugging eggnog at Christmas. It’s not self-indulgence; it’s self-defense.)
6. Pablo “Kung Fu Panda” Sandoval
Pablo Sandoval is a 5-foot, 11-inch, 240-pound third-baseman with the best nickname in all of Major League Baseball: Kung Fu Panda. This year he helped the San Francisco Giants win their second World Championship title since joining the team. In the first game of the World Series, he dinged three home-runs. The rare feat helped him become the World Series MVP and the most-beloved fat guy in the Bay Area since Jerry Garcia.
5. John Goodman
Credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images
A national treasure, John Goodman had a fantastic 2012. He was the highlight of “Flight” and “Argo,” and even voiced Santa on “SpongeBob SquarePants.” He deserves an Oscar just as much as he deserves an Oscar Mayer.
4. Real-Life Eric Cartman
Photo via ThumbHub
Chris Kutill, a 21-year-old Chicago college student, started dressing as the “South Park” character for Halloween, and kept doing it for fun until Reddit noticed, making him an Internet sensation. He should complete the look with real-life Cheesy Poofs.
Screenshot via YouTube
Yes, “Gangnam Style” has been horrendously overplayed. Yes, that cowboy lasso dance has been run deep, deep into the ground. But it takes real talent to become an international superstar despite a big ol’ jigglin’ gut (see also: Adele), and for that we commend Psy. Heeeeyyyy, sexy tummy.
2. Kim Jong Un
Photo via FunnyOrDie
In 2012, Kim Jong Un became North Korea’s dictator and The Onion’s “Sexiest Man Alive,” plus he topped Time’s “Man of the Year” poll thanks to 4Chan’s online pranksters. He should celebrate with a feast… and maybe share it with his famished citizens? Because the best kind of fat guy always remembers to spread the love, not just the butter.
1. Chris Christie
Credit: Andrew Burton/Getty Images
Without a doubt, Chris Christie is the greatest overweight American of the year. During Hurricane Sandy, he transcended party politics and united New Jersey in its time of need. With Bruce Springsteen‘s endorsement, in 2016 Christie might become our fattest president since William Howard Taft. If so, let’s hope he doesn’t get stuck in a White House bathtub.
“The Big & Best of 2012: A Year End Celebration Presented by T-Mobile” goes LIVE at 12 p.m. ET on 12/12/12. Watch at BigAndBestOf2012.com for eight hours of live performances from stars like Bruno Mars and Miguel, surprise guest appearances, prize giveaways, special editions of “RapFix Live,” “Big Morning Buzz Live,” “MTV After Hours,” “You Oughta Know” and much more!