It’s Not You, It’s Me: A Breakup Letter To My Mustache


We had some good times during Movember–don’t get me wrong–but what’s done is done. We’re through.

When we first started at the beginning of the month, I told myself, “This time it’s going to be different.” I wasn’t growing you for simple novelty, like I did for that Tom Selleck Halloween costume. No, I grew you for a good cause: to raise awareness of men’s health issues such as testicular and prostate cancer. It seemed like a solid foundation for a relationship–something that we could build on, something that would last–but alas, it wasn’t meant to be.

The first sign of trouble was the above photo. I really needed you there, and you were a total no-show, embarrassing me in front of the stars and stripes. But hey, I figured we could work it out. And we did… for awhile. You were strong, proud, beautiful, just like I knew you could be. Our relationship began to grow. You began to grow.

I even brought you back home to meet my family at Thanksgiving. They loved you as much as I did. Even when my mom yelled at me for ruining the holiday while I vomited Jäger, she didn’t blame you.

But it just got to be too much. My friends harassed me constantly: “Are you a cop?” “Whoa, who’s the hipster?” “You’re aware that you look like a ’70s porno star, right?”

Whenever we’re together, it’s like I’m invisible and the world revolves around you. No matter what, it’s always about YOU. And why shouldn’t it be? You’re perfect… you’re just not perfect for me.

I’ll try to remember the good times. And maybe someday, after we’ve both had a little space, I’ll feel differently… hey, maybe that someday is next Movember.


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Sean Green (@greenroomshow) is a standup comedian and podcast host living in Los Angeles