Horoscopes For Guys: Predicting Nov 30 – Dec 7

Are you all recovered from Thanksgiving break now? Ready to tackle the big lead up to the last holiday of the year? Sure you are, because you’re a grown man. You can handle anything with the right amount of unhealthy coping tools like food, sex and alcohol. The only thing you need now is a little bit of guidance from the stars. They hold your stupid future in their hands.

+ Aries

Aries, you’re the ram. Be the ram, but not literally. Rams use their horns to physically destroy opponents. You don’t have horns. You’ll have to use your brain. If your brain stinks, you’re going to have a rough week.

+ Taurus

This week, while trying to sell your car on Craigslist, you will end up meeting the woman of your dreams when she comes to check out your ride. You will later discover that she has seven kids from different fathers, and is currently hiding from the mob. Don’t trust anything on Craigslist.

+ Gemini

Do something creative as a form of therapy. Take a nude drawing class at the community center. Just be forewarned: there’s a chance you’ll get to draw a naked woman, but there’s a better chance you’ll get to draw a lot of naked old men.

+ Cancer

You’ll be tempted to do a lot of shopping this week, but don’t. Take the money you save and put it in an offshore bank account, just in case you have to hide out from the law or your girlfriend’s dad for a while.

+ Leo

Switch from beer to Vodka & Sodas. Your abs are becoming a real sh*t show.

+ Virgo

When picking out gifts for female friends this season, remember, nothing says “thoughtless douchebag” like a Dunkin’ Donuts gift card.

+ Libra

Leftovers aren’t good for more than a week. Just a reminder.

+ Scorpio

If the club you’re going to to meet women requires a collared shirt, then you’re going get really tired from spending the night fighting above your weight class. Get a better job or a better personality.

+ Sagittarius

Sagittarius. More like, Sad-gittarius. Seriously though, you’re going to get really depressed this week. Just ride it out and play “Assassin’s Creed.”

+ Capricorn

Getting the green-light means put your foot on the gas and “go.” Do it. Quick, before your charm wears off and she loses interest.

+ Aquarius

You need to play more beer pong.

+ Pisces

Keep your pants on this week, Pisces. If a woman tries to have sex with you, tell her you’ve challenged yourself to 40 days of celibacy and you’ve only got one more week to go. She’ll be all like, “Whoa, this guy’s interesting!”

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Jim Tews (@jimtews) is a comedian/amateur astrologer living in New York city.