Illustrations by Jake Young
Some descriptions of hell call it a perpetual state of mourning. Well, we say it’s more likely a perpetual state of morning (#amirite?!).
Morning is just awful. First, your alarm goes off with the fury of a thousand deranged carnies. Second, your never-ending to-do list and related anxieties immediately trounce your brain like a militia of Lilliputians on PCP. Third, with the impaired motor skills of a tipped-over cow, you don flaccid, uninspiring garments the world considers “business casual.” And that’s just getting out the door. You still have to successfully navigate (physically and mentally) your way through the jungle known as the outside world.
In the interest of self-preservation, it helps to know ahead of time the variables and threats of morning. That’s why we’re profiling the six types of
animals people you’ll no doubt encounter. Consider us your Basil Exposition or Alfred Pennyworth, whichever you prefer.
1. The Morning Person
Overly enthused. Runs a 5k, then waters his vegetable garden while the rest of humanity angrily claws their snooze buttons. Likely to ask annoying questions about a current event you haven’t been following. More likely to be happy, healthy and successful, and all it takes is a 7pm bedtime and a complete lack of good drinking stories.
2. The Just Let Me Get To My Office Person
This guy wears headphones into work and avoids eye contact/human interaction at all costs. Acts like a cranky assassin, wanting to reach the rendezvous point with as few witnesses as possible. When you offer a friendly wave from down the hall, he acts like you’re Jack the Ripper and frantically fiddles with his office door knob. Once he finally wakes up and gets settled, he emerges like a butterfly (who wants lunch).
3. The Good Sport
Exhausted, overworked– but surprisingly courteous. This guy always keeps his hallway and elevator exchanges respectable. He gets exceptional mileage out of short, go-to phrases, such as “Morning,” “Hey” or “Hi”. You can’t expect a meaningful, in-depth conversation with this breed, but he keeps up appearances, which is his only alternative to screaming expletives out the window until the cops show up.
4. The Life Sucks Acknowledger
This guy is coolly focused and ready to rock but also not afraid to get real and comment on the shackles and shortcomings of professional life. At the coffee pot, he says things like, “That’s the nature of the beast” or “Same s***, different day,” while maintaining a smile and positive underlying attitude. He’s like the Gravedigger from Hamlet, or a gravedigger in general.
5. The Hungover Guy
Typically a young guy with a wild streak and resilient liver–or an old guy who hates his life. Either way, he’s a nauseous mess of a human being and is always maxed out on sick-days used. When pressed for details, he’s not afraid to tell you what an “awesome” and “epic” time he had, just as soon as the room stops spinning.
6. Epic Breakfast Man
You smell him the second he walks into the office (12 minutes late). He has his own stash of Sriracha, Worcestershire and vanilla sugar in the office kitchen. He carpools in a food truck. As he loudly decrees that he has found the one true bakery that has mastered the bagel, you take a moment to look down at your hastily purchased blueberry Nutri-Grain bar, then weep. Profusely.