6 Winter Outfits That Never Get You Laid

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Winter is almost here, and unless you live in south Florida or southern California, it’s going to get cold, and you’re going to have to bundle up. For some reason, the fashion powers that be decided that most men’s winter clothing should make us look like adorable little boys or grown-up felons. While you’re free to dress however you want, if you want good odds under the mistletoe or as the New Year’s clock counts down, here’s some winter outfits you need to avoid.

1. Ski Masks

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Just stop with this. When you wear one, you’re not even creepy; creepy implies that the person who sees you is slowly unsettled by you. You just look frightening. Everyone wants to run away from you. And if you don’t wash it properly, any girl who does stick around will see your acne-covered face when you take it off.

2. Ugly Christmas Sweaters

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Yes, these are ironically hip, and some women will get the joke. But of that group, a tiny fraction will think, “Funny and sexy? I must text all my friends and my grandmama and let them know I bagged a Christmas fling!” Most women will look at you and immediately recognize that you’re trying too hard. And if they think you try too hard outside the bedroom, then they will not enter a bedroom with you.

3. Christmas Vests

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This is the same thing as the ugly Christmas sweater, only worse because vests are always worse. Congratulations, your arms now look like chicken wings sticking out from a goofy, reindeer-infested torso.

4. Summer Outfit

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This a damn funny idea. And if you’re jacked, the ladies will be all into it. Unfortunately, not many of them are necrophiliacs, which sucks for you because you’ll be dead from exposure within an hour.

5. Uggs

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Yeah, Tom Brady might be modeling them, but there’s a reason the ladies love Tom Brady, and it sure as hell ain’t the shoes. You can maybe rock these, but try to keep the fuzzy wool stuff on the inside of the shoes. When it peeks out, it looks like you forgot to make sure the lamb was dead first.

Why Tom Brady? WHY?

6. ’90s-Themed Ski Parkas

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Dude, Kid ‘n Play hasn’t been popular in 20 years, but you didn’t get the memo. You’re on the slopes, probably killing it, but everyone around you is distracted by your message of positivity and good vibrations, and the fact that it looks like a children’s ice pop is skiing down a mountain.

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