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When you wake up on Thanksgiving morning, you can always count on three things: the smell of roasting turkey, a Godzilla-sized hangover and the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
As kids we loved that parade. Our favorite cartoon characters–blown up to gigantic proportions–hovered through New York City. It should’ve been the stuff of nightmares, but it was a blast to watch.
Some of the balloons, however, just kinda made us scratch our heads. We ignored these monstrosities of lameness back then, but we can’t ignore them anymore. In fact, we might sleep through the parade this year.
In the pantheon of great food mascots, you have Tony the Tiger, Lucky the Leprechaun, Count Chocula… but definitely not Kraft Mac & Cheese’s dinosaur. The hat, the camera, the dopey smile… C-Rex should’ve gone extinct 65 million years ago.
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It’s Thanksgiving. Why are you trying to make us think about cheeseburgers? Dress up like a pilgrim or something, Ronald! (What’s the only thing creepier than a clown? A clown in a belt-buckle hat.)
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An English butler with a set of keys… how friggin’ exciting. Also, he has his own website where you can ask him anything–y’know, in case you forget the address for Google.com.
Rich Uncle Pennybags
Thanksgiving is about appreciating your lot in life, however meager. It’s missing the point to spend 6 ½ hours playing a board game that makes you even greedier than normal.
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What does Thanksgiving have to do with the backpacks of Japanese schoolgirls? Nothing.
Honey Nut Cheerios Bee
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With a touch o’ honey, we can lure this bee over and swat it with a newspaper. This is probably the favorite balloon of parents with high cholesterol, which is ironic considering what we’re all shoving in our faces on this holiday.
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This is going way back, but it’s worth including. That moose looks like it’s in the parade against its own will–like someone has a gun to its back. Yikes… we’d rather watch that live-action movie version.
The Elf on the Shelf
We’re not exactly sure why this guy is in the parade. Do any kids love an elf who looks like he’s taking a dump?
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This friggin’ thing–yeesh. It’s an egg wearing tights with a facial expression that… well… he appears to be competing in the Air Sex World Championships. Can we just turn the TV back to football?