The 9 Lamest Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloons

Credit: Marco di Lauro/Getty Images

When you wake up on Thanksgiving morning, you can always count on three things: the smell of roasting turkey, a Godzilla-sized hangover and the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

As kids we loved that parade. Our favorite cartoon characters–blown up to gigantic proportions–hovered through New York City. It should’ve been the stuff of nightmares, but it was a blast to watch.

Some of the balloons, however, just kinda made us scratch our heads. We ignored these monstrosities of lameness back then, but we can’t ignore them anymore. In fact, we might sleep through the parade this year.

Cheeseasaurus Rex

Credit: NBC

In the pantheon of great food mascots, you have Tony the Tiger, Lucky the Leprechaun, Count Chocula… but definitely not Kraft Mac & Cheese’s dinosaur. The hat, the camera, the dopey smile… C-Rex should’ve gone extinct 65 million years ago.

Ronald McDonald

Credit: Getty Images

It’s Thanksgiving. Why are you trying to make us think about cheeseburgers? Dress up like a pilgrim or something, Ronald! (What’s the only thing creepier than a clown? A clown in a belt-buckle hat.)


Credit: AFP/Getty Images

An English butler with a set of keys… how friggin’ exciting. Also, he has his own website where you can ask him anything–y’know, in case you forget the address for

Rich Uncle Pennybags

Credit: NBC

Thanksgiving is about appreciating your lot in life, however meager. It’s missing the point to spend 6 ½ hours playing a board game that makes you even greedier than normal.

Hello Kitty

Credit: Michael Loccisano/Getty Images

What does Thanksgiving have to do with the backpacks of Japanese schoolgirls? Nothing.

Honey Nut Cheerios Bee

Credit: AFP/Getty Images

With a touch o’ honey, we can lure this bee over and swat it with a newspaper. This is probably the favorite balloon of parents with high cholesterol, which is ironic considering what we’re all shoving in our faces on this holiday.


Credit: William Lovelace/Getty Images

This is going way back, but it’s worth including. That moose looks like it’s in the parade against its own will–like someone has a gun to its back. Yikes… we’d rather watch that live-action movie version.

The Elf on the Shelf

Credit: Macy’s

We’re not exactly sure why this guy is in the parade. Do any kids love an elf who looks like he’s taking a dump?

Humpty Dumpty

Credit: Visions of America/Getty Images

This friggin’ thing–yeesh. It’s an egg wearing tights with a facial expression that… well… he appears to be competing in the Air Sex World Championships. Can we just turn the TV back to football?

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RG Daniels (@RGDaniels) is a comedian, writer, and former Knicks fan/current Nets fan in Brooklyn, NY.