6 Extreme Ways To Keep It In Your Pants And Not Cheat

Perhaps it was inevitable that former CIA Director David Petraeus would throw away his remarkable career for sex with his beautiful, hero-worshiping biographer. Or perhaps he just needed some unorthodox methods of dick control.

If you’re among the 28% of guys who can’t stay faithful, here are some tools and techniques that will ensure your zipper remains zipped…

1. The Male Chastity Belt

Credit: ChastityBeltForMen.com

Popular in the S&M community, these padlocked devices–available for the low, low price of $149.95–can “bring trust back into [a] sometimes troubled relationship … especially in cases of infidelity or as simple as attending a bachelors party,” explains the manufacturer. (If your fiancée makes you wear this lockbox on your last night of freedom, you might want to reconsider the engagement.)

2. Hormone Therapy

Credit: Drazen Vukelic/Getty Images

A recent study in The Journal of Neuroscience found that men in relationships kept a greater physical distance from unknown attractive women after inhaling oxytocin, the so-called bonding hormone. “Previous animal research in prairie voles identified oxytocin as a major key for monogamous fidelity in animals,” the lead researcher said. “Here, we provide the first evidence that oxytocin may have a similar role for humans.”

If you’re seriously determined to tame your libido, you can enjoy the benefits of chemical castration. Or, you know, the non-chemical variety.

3. Literal Christianity

“Turn the other cheek” and “don’t judge lest you be judged” are noncontroversial, but Jesus’ advice for cheaters in Matthew 18:9 is slightly more intense: “If your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out.” Arousal is difficult when you’re wearing Stevie Wonder glasses.

However, avoid celebrating Christmas, at least with your coworkers, since a large percentage of men report having been unfaithful at holiday office parties. Hey, there’s always Hanukkah.

4. Hypnosis

Credit: Getty Images

If it works for quitting nicotine, why not for quitting nookie?

According to certified hypnotherapist Grace Joubarne, “For the cheater who genuinely wants to stop cheating, hypnotherapy is often the solution.” You can even download a “Stop Cheating Hypnosis Script” for $7.99, which is way cheaper than a male chastity belt.

(However, make sure your girl doesn’t see “Stop Cheating Hypnosis Script” in your iPhone playlist. That’s almost as bad as her walking in on you with her best friend and/or sister.)

5. Jail

You can’t cheat on your lady from behind bars. Well, not with a lady…

So, if you’re worried about straying, go steal a candy bar in plain view of a cop. If you’ve already strayed and don’t want to repeat the mistake, adultery is still technically a crime in many states, and Michigan even punishes it with a life sentence. Or would, anyway, if a prosecutor ever brought such a case to trial. Maybe if you turn yourself in and ask nicely…?

6. The Anti-Cheating Ring

Credit: TheCheeky.com

Want to get branded like a cow? This $565 titanium band will keep you honest.

“With Arnold, Tiger and two timing … guy in mind, we have created this wedding ring for people intent on cheating,” says the designer. “The negative engraving on the inside means that when you are in the ‘club’ and an attractive woman … comes along to chat, slipping your wedding ring off is not an option.”

Or, if you’re especially hardcore about commitment, get inked with a wedding ring tattoo. Until death or laser removal do you part.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog