Why You Don’t Tea-Bag A Stranger


Photo: ESPN

Many of you saw the viral video in mid-January showing an Alabama man tea-bagging and then humping the face of an LSU fan in the French Quarter following a match-up between the schools’ football teams in the National Championship game. Some of you might have even followed the story as that face and scrotum connected to names — Garrison Stamp and Brian Downing, respectively.

Well, if you needed a reason to not drop your ball sack on another person’s face, now you have one: 32-year-old father Downing was charged in Louisiana with sexual battery and obscenity. Downing ended up pleading guilty to the latter charge for which he will soon report for a 10-month prison stint. That’s for real. He also lost his job, and had to tell his wife how he could make such a huge mistake. ESPN details in a deep-dive story how 19-year-old Stamp’s life was upended too.

There are many lessons from this story but we won’t stand on a moral pedestal, rather we’ll just focus on the pertinent Guy Code takeaway: Don’t put your balls on a stranger’s face, let alone hump a person’s face if you slip and end up laying with your entire scrotal region on him. It’s an obnoxious, dickish, potentially criminal thing with huge consequences, and may mean prison time depending on the jurisdiction. You may also end up in a viral video.

By urging you not to do it to a stranger, we don’t mean to suggest it’s wise to tea-bag a friend who you know might perceive the act as non-battery, or who happens to like balls in his face. But at least there’s a reasonable chance he won’t press charges. Govern yourselves, and your balls, accordingly.

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