Horoscopes For Guys: Predicting November 16 – 22

Oh boy! Thanksgiving is coming up this week. I bet you can’t wait to return to your hometown and show everyone you went to high school with how cool you’ve become! Not so fast, turbo. The turnout of your holiday week is not really up to you, it’s up to the sky-borne decision makers! So what do they have in store for you? Let’s find out!

+ Aries

You’re planning on doing a little shopping on Black Friday; don’t go alone. Take that special someone along with you. When you’re fighting a single mom for the last $10 Blu-ray player, whether or not your lady friend jumps in with a flying elbow will be a true indicator of how much she really cares about your needs.

+ Taurus

Family is very important this time of year. Be thankful for those relatives that really do care about you, and block the really religious ones on Facebook.

+ Gemini

Exercise your imagination and embrace your teenage-like wonder by cutting back on your porn browsing.

+ Cancer

You’re not going to die alone like your mother keeps telling you. As long as you stay healthy, and keep singing David Bowie‘s “Rebel Rebel” at karaoke, you’ll find someone to take you home.

+ Leo

If you don’t stay vigilant, you’re going to get outbid in that eBay auction. That’s not a metaphor.

+ Virgo

Holiday gatherings with family can be difficult. Drinking won’t help you tolerate your them, but it will make it easier to say, “I’ll never make you proud, Dad, and I don’t care anymore.”

+ Libra

Host your own Thanksgiving dinner this year. Preparing the dinner won’t be a challenge, but finding enough friends to fill the table will. Post an ad on Craigslist if you have to.

+ Scorpio

You should learn to play the guitar. If you already know how to do that, then learn how to play the piano. If you already know how to do that, you should learn how to sing. If you already know how to do all three, please stop doing it at parties. You’re taking all the women.

+ Sagittarius

Have a push-up contest with your uncle after Thanksgiving dinner. You’ll probably win. If you don’t, stand on his back until he admits you’re the new alpha male.

+ Capricorn

Reuniting with an old flame may seem like a good idea when you’re out drinking, but remember, they put stuff in those drinks that makes you feel things that aren’t really there. Have a club soda, and remember all the bad times you had. You’ll feel much better about it the next day.

+ Aquarius

Finances are a big concern for you this month. You’d like to get gifts for your family, but you also have a horribly expensive video game habit. Choose wisely. Choose video games. They have a higher resale value than family.

+ Pisces

On Thursday, after your family dinner, you will take a post-turkey nap. During that nap, you will have an erotic dream about your favorite bartender. You will wake up with your family staring at you, as you lay on the couch with a visible erection. Own it.

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Jim Tews (@jimtews) is a comedian/amateur astrologer living in New York city.