Photo: Tombstone Hearse Co.
Manliness isn’t just about your actions while you’re still alive; you should enter the Great Beyond in the same YOLO style that has always defined you. Because YODO too.
So don’t ask your family for a forgettable, modest service — with cookie-cutter prayers, snooze-inducing poems and sissy-ass flowers — when you have so many ridiculously badass options from which to choose…
1. Motorcycle Mortis
This is David Morales Colón. Well, it was David Morales Colón. After a mortician pumped him full of formaldehyde, the 22-year-old Puerto Rican motorcycle enthusiast rode his beloved Honda F4 one last time. (Another guy, Julio Lopez of Philadelphia, had a similar motorcycle wake.) Not many journalists could resist “Ghost Rider” puns.
A considerably less disturbing option: the “Harley Hearse,” offered by a handful of funeral homes across the nation. For when the Harley-Davidson motto “Live to Ride, Ride to Live” no longer applies to you.
(More of a sports car fan? Alexander Bernard Harris of Miami had a Lamborghini Wake.)
2. Chip The Bucket
Photo: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images
Every guy loves to snack on chips, but Arch West–who invented Doritos in 1961- took it one step beyond. West’s family sprinkled his body with dozens of Cool Ranch and/or Nacho Cheese tortilla treats, which might stay fresh longer than he does.
Likewise, Pringles can inventor Fredric Baur ordered his family to seal his ashes in a Pringles urn. (“My siblings and I briefly debated what flavor to use,” explained his eldest son.) Once you pop, the fun don’t stop, even if you do.
3. The Long Lap Dance Goodbye
Cai Jinlai of Taiwan had a bet with his family: if he lived past 100, they would hire a stripper to dance at his funeral. The man loved strip clubs, you see, and “would travel around the island with his friends to see these shows,” his son told reporters.
Luckily, Jinlai made it to 103. The postmortem lap dance cost his survivors $170 and lasted 10 minutes. Let’s just say he was totally rigid for it.
(The weirdest part? This isn’t even abnormal in Taiwan.)
4. Where Everybody Knows Your Name
Photo: The Boat Inn
Jack Woodward tended bar at England’s Boat Inn from age 14 to his death at 83. And now he’s interred there. For this guy, it’s happy hour forever. (In case you missed it, the plaque’s message “Stand here and have a drink on me” works on a couple different levels.)
5. A Funeral Fit For Thor
Some guys want cremation. Some guys want burial at sea. Why not both? In the past six years, Brits Jeff Muse, Endel Opik and Karine Mulcahy had their remains torched on replica Viking longboats. What could be manlier than going out to sea ablaze with a horned helmet and goblet of mead for the final voyage?
6. Fireworks and Loathing
In 2005, Johnny Depp paid a reported $2 million to honor “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” author Hunter S. Thompson‘s funereal wish: a giant, fist-shaped cannon that would blast his ashes into the sky. And you can get the same gonzo treatment, thanks to Heavens Above Fireworks (“A fitting and happier way to say goodbye”). Just don’t expect Captain Jack Sparrow to foot the bill.
7. Six Feet Under? How About 1,300,000,000 Feet Over?
Photo: NASA/Getty Images
Neil Armstrong might’ve been the first man to walk on the moon, but planetary geologist Eugene Shoemaker is the only guy who has it for a final resting place. Shoemaker’s “biggest disappointment in life” was not visiting the lunar surface, so in 1999 NASA deposited his ashes there. One small step for corpse, one giant leap for corpse-kind.
8. The Super Bowl Sendoff
Photo: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images
In 2008, the AARP interviewed National Funeral Directors Association spokesperson Debora Kellom about unorthodox funerals:
“Kellom pointed to a particularly memorable 84-year-old, no-pun-intended ‘die-hard’ Rams fan who asked for a streamer-laden, Super Bowl-style service. Artificial turf marked with yard lines was laid over the carpet. Attendees entered on the 50-yard line with the casket set in the end zone. Another of Kellom’s clients wanted a barbecue theme complete with cooler, picnic table, lawn chairs and a grill rigged with dry ice so that ‘smoke’ would pour out.”
We would’ve called Kellom for more details, but unfortunately she embezzled more than $200,000 from her employer. Talk about robbing the grave.
9. The Monty Python
Men love inappropriate humor, and there’s no worse place for edgy standup comedy than a funeral. Nevertheless, John Cleese had everyone in stitches at the memorial service for fellow Monty Python cast member Graham Chapman: “Good riddance to him, the freeloading bastard! I hope he fries.” What guy wouldn’t want his friends to keep on laughing?
10. A Funeral Free-For-All
There’s nothing manlier than vengeance, so–at a recent Arizona funeral–a buddy of the deceased punched the dead man’s rival “in honor of the fallen.” This led to an all-out brawl involving 30 people, which police ultimately had to break up. If anyone had been beaten to death, at least they were in the right place.
BONUS: The Friendly Firing Squad
The Eternal Ascent Society can send your remains skyward in a helium balloon. But a man in his 80s has placed an order with special instructions: his skeet-shooting friends are to pop the balloon over his horse ranch. “‘Put me down over there, have my friends shoot me,’” paraphrases Eternal Ascent owner Joanie West.
We wish the guy a long life, but we kinda want to see his funeral too.