The world of video game characters is full of total douches, both intentional and accidental, but despite their cheesiness, some characters manage to achieve a delicate balance between coolness and douchedom. And before you instantly head to the comments section to defend your favorite character, take a moment to imagine actually spending time with them, and see if you don’t agree. Then go ahead and troll away.
1. Carth Onasi, “Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic”
Taken from Carth’s OkCupid profile.
Everyone loves Han Solo, obviously. Every kid wanted to be Han Solo on the playground (but some of us had to be CP3O). Poor Carth wants to be Han Solo so bad, but can’t even pull off the parody version Bill Pullman portrayed in “Spaceballs.” But still, a bad Han Solo is a lot better than a good C3PO.
2. Dante, “Devil May Cry”
Dante frequently makes lists of the coolest characters in games, but he is kind of douchey. Let’s be honest: he’d look perfectly at home wearing fishnet tights, ass up over the hood of a Camaro on the cover of some ’80s hair metal album. He is obviously a badass during gameplay, but he named his guns Ebony and Ivory. If you are going to name your guns anything, don’t name them after one of the cheesiest duets of all time.
3. Marcus Fenix, “Gears of War”
Sweet brimless baseball cap, bro. Or leather do-rag. Whatever it is, it must smell amazing.
With a face that makes Nick Nolte look like a Proactiv ad, Marcus Fenix would probably be insufferable in real life. It would be like hanging out with a morning radio shock jock who happens to be a hulking killing machine, which is a terrible combination for any person. That said, if your friendship revolves around chainsawing through monstrous hordes, we can’t think of anyone better to call us “bro.”
4. Luigi, “Super Mario Bros.”
The only thing worse than being a lame stereotype is being a second fiddle stereotype.
Talk about living in your older brother’s shadow. Poor Luigi tags along over and over again to rescue Mario’s girlfriend. At some point you’d think he would say, “Why don’t you find a girl who doesn’t keep getting kidnapped? It’s been, like, 14 times now.” He’s a follower, not a leader, which is a total douche quality. Still, you couldn’t ask for a more loyal brother, and he can jump a tiny bit higher.
5. Solid Snake, “Metal Gear”
Business in the front, sneaking around in the back.
We know this choice is going to chafe with a lot of you. We get it. We like Solid Snake. He is cool. But he’s also kind of a douche. He has a mullet and the voice of a used car salesman. And in most of his games, the controls are so terrible that you spend a lot of espionage time bumping into things and accidentally lying down instead of running away. Also, and I’m sorry to ruin this for you, his name is a euphemism for “boner.”