5 Things Not To Do At The “Hump!” Festival


Credit: The Weinstein Company

Sex tapes aren’t just for celebrities anymore. With the Internet and cheap cameras, pretty much everybody’s making their own amateur porn. But only the crème de la crème win a film festival for it.

If you’re the Spielberg of XXX, the northwest has you covered with “Hump!”, the annual amateur porn festival happening this weekend in Portland. (The lower the production value, the better.) For those planning to attend, here’s five things you should not do…

Record

Immediately after the festival ends, organizers destroy all copies of the submitted films. They are strict as hell about people bringing cameras into the theater, so don’t be that guy. People made porn for your entertainment, so just enjoy it without being a creepy douche… or a copyright pirate.

Mack

Yes, you’re at an amateur porn festival. And yes, there are going to be tons of ladies in the audience who just watched what you watched — people fatter than you letting their freak flags fly — so they might be just as randy. But there’s something super aggro about a dude hitting on a girl right after two hours of porn in a dark theater.

Dress Poorly

If you choose to ignore the above advice and talk to women at the festival, how do you break the ice? Well, don’t dress like you used to watch porn at Times Square theaters in the ’80s. No trench coats. No sweatpants. No mesh shorts. Try dressing sharp like Joseph Gordon-Levitt — who has re-popularized the skinny black “Reservoir Dogs” suit — because the ladies love them some JGL. (If he starts wearing mesh shorts, break ‘em out.)

Go Alone

Just like in most bar situations, you need a wingman or else you’ll be that weird guy standing by himself. And because it’s kinda weird to watch porn with another dude, you should bring females. But don’t bring two girls or else you’ll look coupled up. Going with one other guy and a bunch of girls is optimal, and if you need this explained, you should probably not be at this festival.

Hate

People will heckle during the videos, but not in a hateful way. Treat it like the studio audience for “Saved By The Bell.” You can laugh, make the long “oooo” sound, an excited “wooo” shriek and an “awww.” No yelling “oh man, she’s busted,” or “boooooorrrrriiing.” The more you talk at the screen, the less ladies will talk to you. (And if ladies don’t talk to you, you’ll have no film to enter in next year’s competition.)

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a comedian and writer based out of Brooklyn, New York.