Funny Horoscopes For Guys: Predicting November 9 – 15

You’re back for another week of celestial guidance, I see. I hope last week the stars kept you grounded. I also hope you got everything you wished for, but you probably didn’t. Wishes don’t work. We’re really not in control here. The ancient zodiac determines all outcomes. So the next time you get slapped at a bar, don’t blame it on your big stupid mouth, blame it on the stars. See how convenient that is? Now, with all those pleasantries out of the way, let’s take a look at how the universe will be tea-bagging us this week!

+ Aries

You’ve been incredibly tired lately because while your body may be at rest, your demons never sleep. Try admitting everything you’ve ever done wrong via Twitter. You may lose a few friends or end up in jail, but you’ll sleep like a baby!

+ Taurus

Mend the broken ties with all of your Republican friends. Bring them close to you again so you can passively remind them that their beliefs are stupid and Obama is totally going to kill it this term.

+ Gemini

Maintain your physical health, Gemini. Try going to the Y. Even if you don’t end up in great shape, you’ll feel better about yourself every time you see an old fat man naked in the locker room.

+ Cancer

Family relationships need to become a priority for you this week. At the very least, find out what your sister’s getting your parents for Christmas and throw her a few bucks. That way, you won’t have to think about it, and your parents will still think you care.

+ Leo

Take a leadership role this week, Leo. Women love leaders. And tall guys. If you’re short, lead extra hard. Like Napoleon.

+ Virgo

Now is the time to be careful with your money. If you build a nice nest egg and hide that money in an offshore account, your future ex-wife won’t be able to touch it. It’s never too early to plan ahead.

+ Libra

This week, more so than most, women will be paying a lot of attention to you. Stay strong, and don’t give it up so easily, you man-whore.

+ Scorpio

You’ve been looking to everyone around you for solutions to your biggest problems. Instead of being so dependent, try flipping a coin for all your major life decisions. It’s dangerous and fun!

+ Sagittarius

Focus and discipline are at the root of your success, but you deserve a break. This weekend, try to drink all the beers.

+ Capricorn

When you get bad news, you react poorly. Stop it. You need to stop crying in front of people like that. Nobody likes it. Sack up and take charge this week.

+ Aquarius

Be careful who you upset online. Tweets can last forever. If you want to say something horrible about someone, create a “Post-It wall of hatred” in one corner of your room where you stick Post-Its containing the horrible things you would’ve said. At the end of the week, tear them down. Or don’t.

+ Pisces

What are you running from? Stay planted for a bit. You’ll find the results to be better than you expected. Sometimes it’s better to defiantly confront your mistakes by looking your ex-girlfriend in the eye, saying “haters gon’ hate,” then continue doing whatever awful thing you were doing with complete confidence.

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Jim Tews (@jimtews) is a comedian/amateur astrologer living in New York city.