Photo: Joe Raedle/Getty Images
After four long years of speculation and pandering, Election Day is finally here. Depending on your viewpoint, Tuesday's ballot results will either save America or usher in the apocalypse. Assuming, that is, you have a viewpoint.
Chances are you've already picked a candidate. But if you're an undecided voter (WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY CAN'T YOU MAKE A SIMPLE DECISION? DO YOU CARE ABOUT ANYTHING, OR DO YOU JUST WANT AN "I VOTED" STICKER, BECAUSE YOU ARE A TODDLER?), we're here to help. An issue-by-issue guide for the male voter…
1. The Economy
Background: Guys love to make money. So do ladies, but--historically, biologically--we're the hunters, the ones who haul meat back to camp. Ever since the financial crash of 2008, however, it's been difficult to bring the bacon home. This has left men--who held 75 percent of the downsized jobs--in a state of depression. Unemployed guys are more than twice as likely to commit suicide. If you're not a breadwinner, you just feel like a loser.
President Obama wants to extend tax cuts for people who earn less than $250,000, while raising taxes on people who earn more. Mitt Romney wants to extend tax cuts for all earners--including the rich--while making up for lost revenue by slashing deductions, spending and Big Bird.
How to Vote: Are you a Wall Street tycoon, a lottery winner or a professional athlete with a multimillion-dollar contract? (Or expect to be one?) Romney's your man. Are you a member of the 47 percent or a Jim Henson Workshop creation...? Stick with the incumbent.
Background: In 1973, the Supreme Court legalized abortion nationwide. Ever since then, Republicans have nominated justices who will overturn that ruling, while Democrats have nominated justices who will uphold it. This is called a "litmus test." All candidates from both parties deny having such a thing, because they are liars.
How to Vote: If you're not getting laid, it's kind of a moot point. (By the way, a voting line is a great place to meet women--but keep your pickup line nonpartisan.)
For those getting laid, your vote hinges on why you're getting laid. If you want children, and want everybody else to have children too, then Romney is the logical choice. If you just... you know... enjoy getting laid, then either vote for Obama or make damn sure you're wearing a condom for the next four years. When you're pulling the lever, just remember that you might be pulling out.
3. The Environment
Background: Most scientists agree that humanity's carbon emissions are increasing the severity of earth's weather patterns. Obama wants to put a cap on carbon emissions, increase fuel efficiency standards and fund green technology, while Romney believes this will hurt the economy at a time when we need to ramp up production.
How to Vote: Are you a snowboarding guy or a surfing guy? If it's the latter, with global warming you'll save a bunch of money on that flight to Cancun.
4. Gay Marriage
Background: Obama believes that same-sex marriage should be legal, because equality is a founding American value. Romney believes that same-sex marriage should be illegal, because it endangers the traditional family unit of one man with fifteen wives.
How to Vote: If you're gay, this isn't exactly an SAT-level question. If you're straight, it doesn't impact you directly... or does it? A solid way to land a girl is to make her think you're gay, become her shopping buddy and then pounce when the opportunity arises. If you're actually MARRIED to a dude, this takes your Machiavellian ruse to the next level.
Background: Both candidates agree that Iran wants to build a nuclear weapon. Obama wants to wait for sanctions to work; Romney believes this is naive, and wants to make conditions clear for when the U.S. will go to war.
How to Vote: No good options. We're already reeling from two wars; another could be catastrophic. And yet, Persian women are beautiful. With democratic regime change, they might wear less clothing. If we do nothing, they'll remain bundled up. Which is the lesser of two evils?
6. Health Care
Background: As governor of Massachusetts, Romney supported an individual mandate requiring everyone to buy health insurance. Obama, who initially opposed this idea, copied it. And then Romney said it was basically communism.
How to Vote: Flip a coin. Seriously, your vote doesn't matter that much anyway.*
* You don't live in Ohio, right?