Sixers Are Winning The T-Shirt Launcher Cold War

Photo: @Sixers

Regardless of how the 76’ers end up doing on the court, their t-shirt cannon will remain undefeated this season. Crowd-pumping activities will take on a new level of intensity with “Big Bella,” a ten-foot beast capable of firing one hundred t-shirts per minute. And it’s even powerful enough to reach fans in the cheap seats.

The logic behind a t-shirt cannon of this magnitude is obvious: distribute more shirts faster. But there’s another possible reason for Big Bella’s existence. (Besides giant spectacle.)

When commissioning this monster, the folks at the Wells Fargo Center must have known: it can be used for crowd control. When things are going well, and the entire arena is behind the team, t-shirts serve as a Pavlovian reward to keep the enthusiasm going. However, if and when the crowd turns–as Philly crowds have been known to do–those same t-shirts can serve as tightly-rolled cotton bullets, likely to break bones at close range, pelting the audience as punishment for expressing their displeasure.

Enjoy yourselves this year, Sixers fans. And be on your best behavior.

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Jim Tews (@jimtews) is a comedian/amateur astrologer living in New York city.