Horoscopes For Guys: Predicting November 2 – 8

Well, aren’t I redfaced! All the things I’m able to predict using the galaxy as a guide, but the one thing I couldn’t foresee was an epic hurricane punching the East Coast in the family jewels. For better or worse, even amateur astrologers can’t see everything coming. This week will hopefully be better than last, but Mother Nature may decide to flip the bitch switch again and there’s nothing you can do about that. So do all that good YOLO stuff. Not like, driving really fast on a wet road, but like, appreciating things you have and doing the right thing.

+ Aries

Stop trying to update your wardrobe. You’re too worried about the superficial things. Improve your personality, start tipping better.

+ Taurus

Your lady friend wants to update your Facebook status to “In a Relationship.” Don’t be afraid to take it to the next level. You can probably reach a compromise by changing your status from “Single” to “It’s Complicated.”

+ Gemini

You’re letting your life move a little too fast right now. Maybe slow things down a bit by getting into an unhealthy relationship, or taking a horrible job. Either of those two things will make every day feel like forever.

+ Cancer

You’ll never find the answers to all of life’s problems. If you get stuck on a particularly tough one, drink on it for a while. Either the answer will come to you, or you’ll develop a larger, more distracting problem.

+ Leo

Sometimes in life, it’s difficult to tell the good people from the bad ones. You’re dealing with someone you’re unsure of right now. One way to judge a man’s character is to throw a baby at him. If he catches it, he’s probably OK.

+ Virgo

You’re often accused of being paranoid, but the truth is, everyone is out to get you.

+ Libra

You’re currently in a standoff with a frenemy. Give it up. Either fight it out, or hug it out. Only girls have frenemies.

+ Scorpio

Your dad won’t stop blaming his farts on you. He thinks it’s funny, but you’re tiring of it, because it’s a smaller representation of what he’s been doing to you all your life. Arm wrestle him.

+ Sagittarius

Things are going to be great for you this week, Sag. Something you’ve been working on for a long time is about to be revealed. Hopefully it gets the results you were after. If it doesn’t, then you’ve probably wasted the last year on something stupid. Back to the drawing board.

+ Capricorn

Use your resourcefulness during these trying times. And remember, looting doesn’t count as being “resourceful.”

+ Aquarius

Put yourself in someone else’s shoes before you attack them; you don’t know what their life has been like. If after much consideration, you find this person to still be a jerk, feel free to fight them in a parking lot.

+ Pisces

Calculate your risks a bit better. That thing you’re about to invest in is a pyramid scheme.

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Jim Tews (@jimtews) is a comedian/amateur astrologer living in New York city.