5 Reasons Your Boss Hates You

There comes a time in every non-rich man’s life when he gets fired. If you can’t have your dad make a phone call to his buddy who got you the job in the first place, you’ll lose at least one job. You can spit all the communist theories you want, but the system ain’t changing anytime soon; bosses are naturally pricks. Haven’t you ever seen that nature documentary where the monkey with the more expensive tie makes the sad monkey clean up the tree after 5 p.m.?

Getting fired is worse than being dumped because you’re being dumped by the person who gave you the money to buy your girlfriend “please don’t break up with me” gifts. There are plenty of obvious ways to get fired: missing a week of work and/or being wasted on the job and/or cursing out your boss and/or your boss’s boss.

However, there are more subtle ways to get canned. Usually it’s because you did something to make your boss hate you, and–fair or unfair–he’s probably going to fire you for it. Here’s five things that you might have done to invite his wrath.

He Knows About That Email

You were at home one night and a demon came into your room, spread its fiery wings and demanded that you Photoshop your boss’s head onto a T-rex’s body because, you know, they both have those pathetic little arms. The demon then made you add the caption, “My Arms Are Too Short To Grab That Stapler… Will You Do It For Me?” Then you emailed it out to your coworkers, but the demon made you carelessly cc the boss.

He Overheard The “Michael Scott” Comment

As a rule, you should never talk about “The Office” at the office. Or at the car wash, coffee shop or wherever else you might work. Even if your boss likes the show, the thought of his employees liking the show makes him aware of the possibility that he might be lousy and hated. And rather than try to become a chiller boss, he’ll just hate you back.

You Flirted With His Daughter

Or wife. Or girlfriend. Or girl that he was trying to flirt with, but because you’re less of a dips**t than he is, she naturally gave you more attention. There’s plenty of other fish in the sea that don’t make the shark want to eat you. Try online dating or book clubs if you must.

That Slave Twang

You don’t like it when he orders you around or chews you out for your mistakes. We know, it sucks. But you didn’t have to mutter “oh lordy, it’ll neva happen ‘gain” under your breath. Or hum “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” when you start doing the task he asked you to do.

You Were Sick The Wrong Day

Unless you were hospitalized, it doesn’t matter how sick you were. He had a whole afternoon at a hotel with his mistress planned, but now he has to cover for you or else the business doesn’t run right and he gets fired.

Follow Guy Code on TwitterFacebook and Tumblr

Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a comedian and writer based out of Brooklyn, New York.