Post-Hurricane Grooming: The Baby Wipe Shower

In the wake of Superstorm Sandy, millions of New Yorkers lost electricity. No big deal, except that when the power goes, the hot water goes. And when the hot water goes, taking a shower becomes the absolute worst thing in the world. (As opposed to regular, temperate bathing, which is the second worst.)

Granted, there are times when a cold shower is pleasant, even ideal. For example, when it’s 100 degrees outside, or when you are hungover enough to need the bodily numbing. But it’s early November, and my hangover isn’t that bad, so I’m not exactly in the mood for blasting myself with liquid ice.

Fortunately, I had a genius realization–on par with the theories of evolution and relativity–which has made this Sandy-induced collapse of civilization bearable: I don’t need water to cleanse myself; I just need baby wipes. (Too bad I won’t get a Nobel Prize for my breakthrough, considering that “baby wipe shower” returns 3.4 million hits on Google. Did you know that Brad Pitt is a fan?)

My wife, who incidentally thinks I’m a big baby, was disgusted with this brilliant idea. In her view, it’s better to hop into cold water than degrade oneself with a product meant for infants’ cracks. However, I couldn’t disagree more, and purchased a turquoise plastic tub of Pampers Softcare Baby Fresh Wipes. Somehow I resisted the urge to pick up a few jars of Gerber baby food for lunch.

Back at home I removed my clothes–get ready for some unbearable sexxxiness–and rubbed five or six moistened, flushable towelettes all over my body: pits, chest, legs, feet, treasure trail, and… yes… where the sun don’t shine. (Bonus incentive: no need to buy toilet paper this week. Victory!)

The results? Well, I certainly didn’t feel as garden (or baby) fresh as I do after a hot shower, but I was acceptably stench-free. With some extra deodorant and a nightclub’s worth of cologne, nobody would suspect that I haven’t washed up in days. Except for my wife, who–for some mysterious reason–wants me to sleep on the couch tonight.

Is it a little embarrassing to use baby wipes? Yeah, kinda. But, fear not!  A new product called Dude Wipes (actual marketing slogan: “FINALLY!!!!!! A hygiene product that doesn’t smell like a baby”) will remove the shame along with the grime. Honestly, I’m not sure whether I’ll ever bathe with H2O again.

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Marty Beckerman (@martybeckerman) is the Associate Editor of Guy Code Blog