7 Halloween Costumes That Never Get You Laid


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There’s a point in fifth or sixth grade when Halloween becomes less about the trick-or-treating and more about shaving cream and eggs. Then there’s another point in high school when it becomes less about shaving cream and eggs and more about hooking up. And from that point forward, that’s what Halloween means for the rest of your life.

You have to realize, your costume makes you or breaks you with women. Everyone knows the ones that work: The Crow, any character Johnny Depp‘s played, a rock star who shows off his abs, a jock if you like dumb women and a “Twilight” character if you want a brooding, sexless long-term relationship.

Every dude can’t show up at the same party dressed like Jack Sparrow, though. Originality gets points, but within reason. Your buddies might think your unique idea is awesome, however, girls might find that same idea creepy as hell. We got you covered. Here are seven costumes you should avoid so ladies don’t avoid you this Halloween.

Serial Killer


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You think you’re being ironic. Or you heard that girls like dangerous guys. Well, you’re way off. You do not look “totally rad” dressed as the guy who turned young single women into lampshades in the ’60s. And now you’re at a party with a bunch of them who like their skin on and don’t believe you when you say it’s just a costume.

Republican


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Or any famous politician for that matter. It’s lame, it’s boring and it’s annoying. No one goes as a politician unless they want to talk about how that guy was underrated. Go as Bill “Slick Willie” Clinton, and no one will want to see your slick willie. Go as “Tricky Dick” Nixon, and no one will want to see your…

’50s Nerd


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If you’re at a hipster party, everyone will think you just didn’t bother to wear a costume, and no one likes the guy who hates on the Halloween ritual. And if you’re at a non-hipster party, you’ll look like a hipster. Non-hipsters hate hipsters, so either way you’re screwed.

Blackface

Seriously, if you’re white and you do this, you’re an a-hole. If any girl shows any interest in you, she’s an a-hole too.

Terrible Puns


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These can be funny, but they end up just being confusing. Do not dress up in a military uniform, carry around a wok and have people refer to you as General Tso.

Pro Wrestler


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This costume will actually work once in a blue moon. Have you ever seen the crowd at a WWE event? It’s 90% male. However, if one of those rare girls who likes wrestling happens to be at the party, you’re in without even trying.

Clowns


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We don’t care what smut you’ve been watching on the Russian Internet. No one likes clowns. Even goth chicks hate clowns. We have a simple motto to help you remember this: Red nose, blue balls.

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a stand-up comedian and writer based in Brooklyn, NY.