NBA Eastern Conference Preview: Classic Hip-Hop Songs Explain Teams’ Prospects

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The NBA officially begins next Tuesday. By now, all of you hoops-heads have already read a dozen different 2012-2013 season previews, written by teams of experts. If you’re in that boat, we’re not going to be able to tell you anything you don’t already know. However, we know who can. Rappers. We’ve carefully analyzed each NBA team and matched their prospects this season with classic hip-hop songs. These videos will eerily shed new light on your favorite teams. If you’re not a big basketball fan, then you’re in luck too. This preview gives you a quick and easy explanation of the current state of the National Basketball Association through your favorite music videos.

For today, we give you the Eastern conference. Check in tomorrow for our picks in the West.

Atlantic Division

Boston Celtics: “You’re All I Need” – Mary J. Blige Ft. Method Man

Ray Allen is gone, leaving them with a Big 2. Pierce and KG are hoping Rondo is all they need. Otherwise, it’ll be a long season in Beantown with a flurry of new fan chants to keep TV censors busy.

New York Knicks: “Protect Ya Neck” – Wu Tang Clan

The Nets are officially moving in on the Knicks’ turf. Even more concerning, the Knicks now lead the league in AARP memberships with the additions of Jason Kidd, Marcus Camby, Kurt Thomas and Rasheed Wallace. Add those obvious injuries-waiting-to-happen to Amar’e‘s brittle knees and you have a team that needs to worry about just maintaining. ‘Melo has to will the team into the playoffs by himself (which is what he wants anyway).

Brooklyn Nets: “No Sleep Til’ Brooklyn” – Beastie Boys

New city. New arena. New team. New era. Things are looking up for the Brooklyn Nets. We feel bad for the 14 fans they’re leaving behind in Jersey, but this is the right move for a team ready to compete.

Philadelphia 76ers: “Walk This Way” – Aerosmith w/Run DMC

Somebody must’ve thrown a handful of Swagger Dust in the Sixers’ faces. Suddenly, these guys are playing with the sort of confidence that will get them beyond the second round of the playoffs. Bonus points for the addition of Andrew Bynum, who fits right into the City of Brotherly Love–that is, if the fans don’t boo him out of town for “quitting” or getting injured too often.

Toronto Raptors: “Passin’ Me By” – The Pharcyde

The Raptors seem to groom talent only to watch it walk away. Such is life at the bottom of the NBA barrel. The bright side? Hockey is gone (for now) and the Raps are the only losers in town. Hmm…that’s not a very bright side at all.

Southeast Division

Miami Heat: “The World is Yours” – Nas

The Champs. Last year, this year and for who knows how much longer. LeBron found his “ON” switch and it doesn’t seem like there is anyone else strong enough to turn it off.

Atlanta Hawks: “Changes” – 2Pac

By trading away Joe Johnson and hiring new GM Danny Ferry, the Hawks have really mixed things up. But will those changes be for the better or for the worse? Only 2Pac knows and he’s unavailable for comment.

Charlotte Bobcats: “U Can’t Touch This” – MC Hammer

We decided to go with a song that seems corny now, but kicked off the gigantic wave of pop hip-hop that allowed the genre to evolve into what it is today. Hopefully, one day we’ll say the same about the Bobcats. But not today.

Orlando Magic: “Hate Me Now” – Nas ft. Puff Daddy

Goodbye Dwight Howard with all of your revenue and wins. Hello NBA Lottery for the next five years!

Washington Wizards: “4,3,2,1” – LL Cool J

The countdown is on. With the additions of savvy veterans, John Wall is poised to finally make the leap. Unfortunately,  he’s injured to start the season, so count down slowly.

Central Division

Chicago Bulls: “Show Me What You Got” – Jay Z

It’s all on Derrick Rose and his rehabbed ACL. Never has a team Adidas relied more on one player than now.

Cleveland Cavaliers: “He Got Game” – Public Enemy

Kyrie Irving‘s got game, and he’s doing a phenomenal job of making Cavs fans forget about YouKnowWho. Of course, this is Cleveland and you never know what to expect from the Sports Gods. For all we know a gigantic cyclops will escape a lab buried underground and wreak havoc on a Cavs practice by tearing off the legs of each player. Don’t be shocked if this happens.

Detroit Pistons- “Express Yourself” – N.W.A.

The only thing we can hope from this young squad is they play to their level of talent, hence, “Express Yourself”.

Indiana Pacers- “Ride Wit Me” – Nelly

The Pacers can pay! Whoops…we meant, the Pacers can play! Roy Hibbert and George Hill are all signed up. Danny Granger is like a mosquito in your bedroom at night, he’s pesky and fearlessly in your face. Indiana has pushed all their chips on these players and riding with them–for better or for worse.

Milwaukee Bucks: “We Trying To Stay Alive” – Wyclef Jean

With an extreme lack of identity, we have no idea who they are, what they’re about or if a Brandon Jennings/Monta Ellis backcourt can lead to a playoff appearance. We do know that Head Coach Scott Skiles is a fighter and will squeeze every bit of talent out of this team to compete for a playoff spot. We also know that Skiles kinda looks like Frankenstein.

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a stand-up comedian and writer based in Brooklyn, NY.
RG Daniels (@RGDaniels) is a comedian in Brooklyn, NY.