Horoscopes For Guys: Predicting October 5th – 11th

When you look up at the stars on an early October night, what do you see? I see the future, and several constellations that look like a dick and balls. This week’s predictions bring a wave of opportunity for most. It’s a very promising month for most of you, others, not so much. But, that’s how the stars work. Sometimes they’re your friends with benefits, and other times they’re a manipulative long-term girlfriend who fakes pregnancies once every two months to keep you around.

+ Aries

You’ve got a lofty goal, and it seems almost out of reach, but it’s not. Unless it involves you playing professional football. That’s a foolish goal, considering how out of shape you are.

+ Taurus

You’ve been worried that those close to you think you’re a jerk, and you’d like to fix that. Make a list of five things you like least about yourself, then show it to your friends. If any of them agree with you on more than three things, get rid of those friends.
+ Gemini

This week is going to be a real grind, but sail through the s*** storm and you will reach golden shores; you’ll begin your weekend with a random hook-up that won’t come back to haunt you!

+ Cancer

Maintaining positivity is key this week. When bad news comes your way, receive it, process it, then take your friends to a strip club and pretend it’s someone’s bachelor party.

+ Leo

Be your lion self and take charge of a situation in your life that seems unsettled. If you don’t initiate the threesome, who will?

+ Virgo

You’ve got a wave of good luck coming your way, my Virgo friend. Feel free to take some chances this weekend! Hit the casino and gamble with your Dad’s money. YOU’RE UNTOUCHABLE!

+ Libra

You’re stressed because you feel like you have no control in your work and social life. Take steps to slowly regain control by blackmailing co-workers and friends.

+ Scorpio

You may want to consider solidifying things with the girl you’ve been “seeing.” She’s a good person, and she’s out of your league. Unfortunately, you can’t see that because of the swarm of skanks you keep hovering around you. Clear your phone of some unnecessary numbers.

+ Sagittarius

You’re going to have an epiphany this weekend while you’re on an illicit substance. That epiphany is that you’re taking too many illicit substances. Trying listening to Skrillex while you’re sober, and you will see the error in your ways.

+ Capricorn

Don’t be afraid to break the rules. Chicks dig guys who break the rules. They also dig guys with money. You don’t have money, so you’re going to have to rely on breaking the rules.

+ Aquarius

Your charm is turned up to 11 this week. Use that power wisely. Maybe use it to convince some unassuming young ladies that you aren’t a horrible person.

+ Pisces

You’re saying “yes” way too often. There’s a lot of power in saying “no,” it makes you appear wise and disciplined. Say “yes” to things like free shots and cab rides. Say “no” to girls who’ve been in more than one hip-hop video.

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Jim Tews (@jimtews) is a comedian/amateur astrologer living in New York city.