The 5 Hottest Teachers Fired For Being Too Sexy
Chris Distefano & Carly Aquilino Explain How They Started Dating, Kinda
The 10 Best Slang Terms For Female 'Alone Time'
When you look up at the stars on an early October night, what do you see? I see the future, and several constellations that look like a dick and balls. This week's predictions bring a wave of opportunity for most. It's a very promising month for most of you, others, not so much. But, that's how the stars work. Sometimes they're your friends with benefits, and other times they're a manipulative long-term girlfriend who fakes pregnancies once every two months to keep you around.
+ Aries
You've got a lofty goal, and it seems almost out of reach, but it's not. Unless it involves you playing professional football. That's a foolish goal, considering how out of shape you are.
+ Taurus
You've been worried that those close to you think you're a jerk, and you'd like to fix that. Make a list of five things you like least about yourself, then show it to your friends. If any of them agree with you on more than three things, get rid of those friends.
+ Gemini
This week is going to be a real grind, but sail through the s*** storm and you will reach golden shores; you'll begin your weekend with a random hook-up that won't come back to haunt you!
+ Cancer
Maintaining positivity is key this week. When bad news comes your way, receive it, process it, then take your friends to a strip club and pretend it's someone's bachelor party.
+ Leo
Be your lion self and take charge of a situation in your life that seems unsettled. If you don't initiate the threesome, who will?
+ Virgo
You've got a wave of good luck coming your way, my Virgo friend. Feel free to take some chances this weekend! Hit the casino and gamble with your Dad's money. YOU'RE UNTOUCHABLE!
+ Libra
You're stressed because you feel like you have no control in your work and social life. Take steps to slowly regain control by blackmailing co-workers and friends.
+ Scorpio
You may want to consider solidifying things with the girl you've been "seeing." She's a good person, and she's out of your league. Unfortunately, you can't see that because of the swarm of skanks you keep hovering around you. Clear your phone of some unnecessary numbers.
+ Sagittarius
You're going to have an epiphany this weekend while you're on an illicit substance. That epiphany is that you're taking too many illicit substances. Trying listening to Skrillex while you're sober, and you will see the error in your ways.
+ Capricorn
Don't be afraid to break the rules. Chicks dig guys who break the rules. They also dig guys with money. You don't have money, so you're going to have to rely on breaking the rules.
+ Aquarius
Your charm is turned up to 11 this week. Use that power wisely. Maybe use it to convince some unassuming young ladies that you aren't a horrible person.
+ Pisces
You're saying "yes" way too often. There's a lot of power in saying "no," it makes you appear wise and disciplined. Say "yes" to things like free shots and cab rides. Say "no" to girls who've been in more than one hip-hop video.
+ Follow Guy Code on Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr
