Diehard Degenerate: Sports Gambling NFL Week Five

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Sean Green hosts the Sports Gambling Podcast and is our expert on fun ways to lose money.

Gambling tip: if you’re in a Las Vegas sports book and are planning on running around, celebrating and screaming at a bunch of angry Giants fans, make sure Andy Reid hasn’t iced the kicker first. Icing the kicker is douchier than icing your bro, and the NFL should implement a rule where calling a time out before a game-winning kick requires the coach to shotgun a Smirnoff.

Falcons -3 at Redskins

The Redskins defense is more forgiving than Dina and Michael Lohan. They’re allowing offenses to get away with murder, letting up 415.2 yards per game ranking near the bottom of the league. Mitt Romney doesn’t care about 47%, but the Redskins should because that is how frequently this red hot Atlanta Falcons team converts on third down.

Colts +7 vs Packers

The Packers offense remind me of my drunk uncle on a wedding dance floor: white, lacking rhythm and unable to score. The Packers averaged 35 points per game last year, but have failed to crack 30 this year even versus the lowly Saints at home. The Colts are coming off a bye with a coach who was just diagnosed with a serious illness. Don’t underestimate a team’s ability to rally around in support of their leader and pull out a gutsy win, or worst case last-second back door cover.

Jets +8 vs Texans

There is a classic gambling adage that if a team underperforms the spread by 21 points and is getting points the next week it’s a lock! Jets are playing for their pride, their jobs, and if the liquored-up crowd has anything to say, their lives. Owner Woody Johnson said he would rather Romney win than the Jets. Current polls have Obama laying six, but I think the safer bet is the Jets getting eight at home.

Prop bets

Vikings +800 to win the NFC North

At 3-1 they are currently tied for the division lead and they are getting 8:1 odds to hang on? Green Bay is snake bitten this season, Chicago has INT addict Jay Cutler and the Lions are so depressing Barry Sanders just attempted to retire for a second time.

Cleveland Browns to win Super Bowl (+100,000)

Am I crazy? Listen, gambling isn’t about winning, it’s about the rush and honestly what can $10 buy you? A panini? Why not lay it on the Cleveland Browns 1000:1 to win the Super Bowl, then you’ll be getting something money can’t normally buy…hope!

Lines For Your Girlfriend On Thursday Night

If you’re like me you get a lot of eye rolling from the girlfriend because of Thursday Night Football. Here are a couple go-to lines to help out on the home front.
1. “The NFL is only thing holding together America’s economy.”
2. “If I hit this five-team parlay, I will buy you an engagement ring!”
3. Claim that you have a terminal illness and that watching the Cardinals vs. Seahawks game is your Make-A-Wish.
4. “Just scouting out future boyfriends for your favorite reality star Kim Kardashian.”

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Sean Green (@greenroomshow) is a comic, podcaster and degenerate gambler living in Los Angeles