8 Lessons Learned From ‘Geordie Shore’

Credit: MTV.com

Geordie Shore,” if you weren’t aware, is the UK version of MTV’s “Jersey Shore.” It’s got all the slurred speech, gelled hair and orange-toned skin as the American version and is just as entertaining. We sometimes look at our British neighbors with raised eyebrows (tea and soccer instead of beer and football?), but “Geordie Shore” can bring us together. We can learn from them as much as they can learn from us and we’ll find that we’re not so different after all. The slang may be different, the accents may require subtitles, but we never woulda thought to call a group of girls in a hot tub “Whore Soup” the way one of the jealous female housemates did. That, and the following, are just some of the lessons we learned by watching Geordie Shore.

1. Girls are “birds,” ugly girls are “mingers” and ugly, fat girls are Ford Focuses

Just when you thought you’ve heard it all, you hear a chick with a British accent make fun of another girl by comparing her to one of Ford’s hatch-backed model cars. We’re not entirely sure if this is common slang in the UK, or if this is how the show is selling off advertising. If it’s the latter, then it may be the most brilliant form of product placement in the history of TV. If it’s the former then we’ll add it to the list of words that only sound cool when uttered by a large-breasted bird who stands out from a crowd of mingers.

2. Drinking Jaeger-bombs is not just an American mistake

As it turns out, the Jaegermeister shot dropped in a beer is not just a tradition in the States. On “Geordie Shore,” it is one of the most popular drinks to wet your pants to, especially when you are moving into a new house and meeting your brand new roommates who you will be on a TV show with. It begins the same way: you have a couple of drinks, you break the ice, you chug a few Jaeger bombs, you really get to know your new friends, you yell out the windows, you jump in the hot tub with all your clothes on, and, finally, you bury your face in a toilet making the sort of sounds a boar makes if it’s being strangled. Speaking of which…

3. When you are puking your British accent goes away

We’ll admit that a chick with a British accent is equally as charming as a Russian billionaire who buys a basketball team with the HOVA. But that charm disappears quicker than a slice of cake in front of Rick Ross as soon as chunks are getting blown onto the floor. We not only learned about the social suicide of drinking too much in the first episode, we also learned that “ROWLF” and “GLURG” and “OH GOD!” causes that exotic English slant to lose its charm.

4. If you don’t talk about the gym, you are an outcast (who still gets laid)

In one scene we see a cast member (Greg) feeling sorry for himself. Apparently, all his buddies wanna talk about is the gym and how many dudes have bellies that look like pudding. This leaves Greg feeling like an outcast, but not to worry. Greg may be feeling like a poodle in a group of Rottweilers, but chicks still think a poodle is cute and will sleep with them regardless.

5. You fight for your mates, Mate!

That’s right! In one scene we see a bloke cracking wise on Jay, a guy built like a defensive lineman. As Jay gets into a fighting stance he is overwhelmed by his opponent. Out of nowhere, Greg (yes, the gym outcast) steps up and levels that wise-ass. Even on “Geordie Shore” you fight for your bros….er, mates.

6. When your parents visit, you should hide the people who participated in your boozed-up orgy the night before and pretend like it never happened.

We like to think this is a worldwide lesson taught to us as early as kindergarten. Parents + unannounced visits + TONS of bad behavior = full-on freak out mode. The best way out? Pretend like everyone the night before came over to study and play board games while listening to Tony Bennett records. OR…when you have parents who are cool enough to bring pizza for everyone who is hungover you can just not mention a word as last night’s conquest slowly sneaks down the stairs and out the door.

7. Girls will compare your penis to vegetables nobody eats

In one of our favorite scenes, we see Charlotte in bed with Gaz (easily the British version of The Situation). The two are getting cozy when Gaz decides he’d like to, um, share another bit of personality. As Charlotte reaches down she loudly praises Gaz and in confessional compares it to a “parsnip“. A parsnip. Yes, a parsnip. Call us a little ignorant, but that’s the first time we’ve ever heard a girl call a schlong a veggie primarily used for Mom’s chicken soup. We’re proud of Gaz and we’d like to thank Charlotte for showing us a new way to awkwardly refer to our junk.

8. Europe is awesome

Yep. From where we’re standing we can see the parties are just as loud, the girls are just as hot and they don’t even blur out the boobs on TV over there. If we ever go missing you know you can find us across the pond shagging birds and getting pissed on lagers.

+ Watch the final season premiere of “Jersey Shore” this Thursday on MTV

+ For more on “Geordie Shore” and “Jersey Shore,” check out Remote Control Blog

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RG Daniels (@RGDaniels) is a comedian in Brooklyn, NY.