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There’s a bacon shortage expected in 2013. You can read more about it here, but we can explain the economic reasoning for you a bit faster. Pig farmers decided they hated the world, so they asked God to make it stop raining on the corn fields that provide feed for their pigs. So a drought happened, and they didn’t produce as many pigs because they couldn’t afford to feed them. Now we have a bacon shortage with the possibility of a doubling of the price. Look, we know it’s stressful. Here, this might help you relax.
The bacon shortage will affect everyone. We need a call to arms! We need a movement! Occupy Bacon Street. Below we’ve listed people who most definitely need to join the fight. If you know someone who fits this description, get him motivated!
Calling All Diner Drunks
People who end up at diners at 4am, drunk out of their mind, need to order bacon, partially to help with the hangover, and partially because eating bacon drunk is better than drunk sex. Diners already charge a hefty markup on bacon. If bacon prices double, the 4am drunk crowd will have devastating choices to make: spend less on beer that night or skip the bacon. Either way, you lose. You’ll get sad, you’ll probably piss off your boss a few days later, get fired and end up homeless. You’ve got nothing to lose, so join the cause!
Hey Caterers, You’re About To Get Canned
If you work for a catering company and want to keep getting work, you need bacon. The reason people opt for a catering company for their event is because caterers wrap a bunch of crap food in bacon and have people in tuxedos pass it around on trays. That’s über-classy, but as soon as word gets around that caterers aren’t wrapping pineapple chunks and scallops in bacon, people are going to just cook wedding meals themselves.
Obscure Chefs, It’s Time To Be Commandos
We say amateur chefs because, well, high-end chefs who cook at five-star restaurants will be able to cook with bacon no matter how much it costs — rich people will pay for it. When we say obscure chefs, we mean the dudes in bars all around this great country who are constantly experimenting with bacon in everything they already had on the menu. Mashed potatoes, from now on, you are bacon mashed potatoes. Whiskey milkshake, you have graduated and now you shall be called whiskey bacon milkshake. Hamburger, it’s time you had some bacon ground up and put inside you. These examples show just how creative these obscure chefs can be, and we want to harness that creativity to solve the bacon shortage problem.
Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a stand-up comedian and writer based in Brooklyn, NY.