5 Ways To Get Revenge Without Hurting Anyone


Photo: Universal Pictures

Some dude stole your girl. He got the last iPhone 5 in the store by cutting the line that you’d been waiting in for hours. He stole your idea for a female rapper named “Femminem,” and now your ex-girlfriend has a record deal. This guy is a skid mark on the underwear of America, and if you’re a true patriot, you’re going to take this guy down. Problem is, you want to hurt him, but you know you can’t. Violence will get you in trouble, and by trouble we mean prison. So unless you want to be someone’s bitch in jail, you have to make this guy your bitch without attacking him. On tonight’s “Guy Code,” the cast will be talking about revenge. For now, we’ve got five ideas for how to get revenge by f***ing with your enemy’s head.

Suspicious Activity

Get a friend to dress up like a Secret Service or FBI agent and rifle through your enemy’s trash. When he comes outside, have your friend pretend to talk into an earpiece, then walk away. He’ll freak out. If you can get a different friend to do this each day for a week, he’ll become paranoid and you’ll have the upper hand.

Ass Pennies

This idea comes to us courtesy of the Upright Citizens Brigade. What you need to do differently here is instead of putting all your ass pennies into wide circulation, you make sure they all go to him. If you can’t find a way to get the pennies to him, a similar revenge tactic, the “stink palm,” comes to us from “Mallrats.” Either way, you’re going to feel better knowing that he’s got your ass essence on his hands and probably in his nose now.

The Info Dump

Fill out every magazine subscription card you can find and have it sent to your enemy’s address. Get army recruiters, Jehovah’s Witnesses, environmental outreach groups and anyone else you can think of to come to ring his doorbell and put on the hard sell. Drop leaflets around the neighborhood saying that he’s contracted a terminal illness and that his family would appreciate everyone coming over and wishing him well.

Landscaper

If you want to do a bit more damage than the info dump, try f***ing up his lawn. Landscaping companies don’t exactly have the most advanced business model, so if you call and ask them to do a job on his lawn, they’ll probably do it without question. You can get creative here, but the more work you ask them to do, the more likely they’ll be to ring the doorbell. If you can predict when no one will be home at his house, you can have the landscapers come then, and you can wait for them on the front steps. While you’re at it, call up some tree removers and exterminators, too.

Happy Birthday, Mr. President

Next time his family is taking him out to celebrate something–birthday, wedding rehearsal, graduation–you order him a stripper. Or five. You don’t even have to get a male stripper to embarrass him; unless his family is trailer trash, he’s going to be pretty ashamed to get a lap dance from a lady cop in front of them. This one will cost you some money, but his embarrassment will be worth it. The more money you’re willing to spend, the sweeter the revenge: Picture five male and female strippers grinding up on his whole family…wasn’t that worth eating only ramen for a few months?

+ For more on Revenge, watch the season finale of “Guy Code” tonight at 11p/10c on MTV2

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a stand-up comedian and writer based in Brooklyn, NY.