5 Ways To Tell You Need To Move Casinos

Photo: Miramax Pictures

“Vegas, baby!” No two words have gotten you more excited to throw your hard-earned money down on the blackjack table. Gambling can be a blast, and casinos are now popping up all over the country, so you don’t have to waste half your money on the flight to Vegas or Atlantic City. With more casinos comes a wider difference in quality. A casino may be designed to look like Buckingham Palace on the outside, but it might look like the servant’s quarters on the inside. You want to be treated like a king inside the casino and probably don’t care what the outside looks like. You want to feel like you can win because you’re where winners win, and where hot women feel safe enough to hang out. You know what you want, but you might not know what you don’t want. We got you covered. Here are five red flags that let you know it’s time to move casinos.

Grandpa Thinks He’s Warren Buffett

Almost everyone over 65 gets a check from the government every month, but Uncle Sam might as well just pay the casinos directly. Old people love gambling, and without them, there’d be no gambling industry. All casinos are infested to some extent, but the crappier the casino, the more members of the greatest generation will be at the blackjack table trying to win some denture money. If the casino you’re in is more than 50% slots, two people are going to die of natural causes in front of you.

The Prostitutes Look Like Your Uncle Jeff

Every casino’s going to have prostitutes hanging around, and you don’t want to mess with them anywhere. But if you’re at the casino with the pros who have Uncle Jeff’s teeth and stubble, you’re gonna get robbed even if you don’t go upstairs with her…him…shim.

The Music Sucks

Sinatra and Elvis are part of the classic gambling experience, especially in Vegas. What you have to avoid are the casinos playing soft rock from the ’90s. As a rule, if you hear matchbox twenty or Sheryl Crow, turn your ass around and leave.

Crappy Bar

If you’re at an awesome casino, they’re comping you fine scotch and microbrews all night. If you’re at an OK one, you’re getting cheap Budweiser or mid-shelf bourbon. If you go to the wrong casino, Milwaukee’s Best Light is on tap and the whiskey is watered down. Careful, there might be some Hell’s Angel right behind you ready to break his unwashed pint glass over your head.

Smelly Buffet

Again, some decent casinos have these as well, but there are differences, some of which you’ll be able to smell well before you even see the food. First off, if the line smells like piss, that’s because you’re on line with the old-timers we talked about before. If the food smells like piss, that means the old-timers decided not to use tongs to put food on their plate. If the steak tastes like a pack of Now & Laters and the juice looks like it’s going through puberty, it’s time for you to go.

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a stand-up comedian and writer based in Brooklyn, NY.