How To Use Your Dog As A Wingman


Credit: Harold David S./Splash News

When it comes to picking up girls, look at it like a game of “Call of Duty.” You need a battle plan, proper ammunition and, of course, your backup. These fellow comrades, your wingmen, are the ones who can make or break your mission. Usually they’re your best buddies, but in case they’re not available when you really need them, there is one alternative option that will never fail you: your dog. Man’s best friend will never pass up a chance to go out with you (because it can’t speak) and it’ll never steal a girl away from you (because it’s not human). Therefore, they are literally the most perfect wingmen ever, but there are right and wrong ways to make the most of their magic abilities. Here are some tips on how to properly use your dog as your wingman:

1. Use a puppy to look vulnerable.

If you have a small dog, pick it up and hold it in your arms. However, resist any baby talk; you want to look vulnerable, not creepy.

2. Use a big dog to look tough.

On the flipside, walking a big dog will make you look tougher and more protective. Just make sure the dog isn’t too mean or unapproachable. No great love story has begun with: “I fell for him after his Rottweiler chewed my finger to shreds.”

3. Do not dress your dog in clothes

Period. There is just nothing manly about this. The only possible exception might be when a dog has a football jersey on, but even that’s pushing it.

4. Make sure your dog is trained

You wouldn’t put a rookie quarterback in for the final drive of overtime, and you sure as hell shouldn’t send your dog into battle before he’s been trained. That way, when you stop and talk to a girl, your dog can sit patiently while you work up to getting a phone number instead of going bonkers and running away after a squirrel.

5. Avoid dog crap

OK, so you can’t completely control this one. But try to wait until your dog poops in the backyard before taking him out to cruise women. A pooping wingman is no wingman at all.

6. Have an awesome story

The great thing about going out with dogs is that they break the ice. So when a girl asks you how long you’ve had your dog and where you got him, have an endearing story ready. Don’t lie, but it’s OK to embellish. Example: you found him abandoned and whimpering on the side of the road, so you nurtured him back to health and named him after your Purple Heart-winning grandfather. Most of that could easily be true.

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Madeline Roth (@MadelineRoth1) attends THE Brohio State University