Horoscopes: Predicting Sept 21 – 27 For Guys

Ahh, the changing of the seasons brings changes in our lives! Now you can hide your fat with sweaters and coats, instead of the false sense of confidence you’ve been using all summer. And who doesn’t enjoy pumpkin spice flavored everything? What will you change about yourself this fall? In what direction will your life travel as the days get shorter? Will you be eligible to upgrade to an iPhone 5? These are questions that can only be answered by the service provider of our fates: the stars!

+ Aries

Looks like you won the game, so to speak. Congrats! Enjoy it, you only won on a technicality. The latter half of the week will be a series of embarrassing errors. If you know what’s good for you, you won’t tweet while drinking.

+ Taurus

“Don’t sweat the small stuff, and it’s all small stuff.” Except those drug trafficking charges you’re up against. That’s big stuff. Leave some of it at home next time.
+ Gemini

Your parents keep trying to tell you what to do. Remind them that when the world economy collapses, their retirement funds will mean nothing, and the only thing that will be able to support them is your ability to play the guitar.

+ Cancer

By nature you’re independent, and that’s good, but remember, it’s OK to accept help once in a while. Especially if you’re trying to move a couch up two flights of stairs.

+ Leo

You want to be respected. There are many ways you can achieve that, just realize that punching a bouncer in the face is not the best way. Maybe go with your second idea.

+ Virgo

You’re about to bust your slump, my friend! Your little love drought is about to end. Unfortunately, the entire affair will only last seven seconds, and you won’t be able to get a refund.

+ Libra

You’re in the middle of a challenging relationship right now. It’s important to be flexible. If she wants things her way, it’s best to just let her have it. If you don’t, she’s going to post those pictures of your junk on Instagram.

+ Scorpio

You’ve got a dream, but you’re afraid to follow it. Don’t be. Just go for it, ignore the haters! Remember, the only person who doubts you is you. And your father.

+ Sagittarius

Someone from your past has been haunting your dreams lately. Is she the one that got away? Check Facebook, she’s probably fat and married. Now you can sleep soundly.

+ Capricorn

You’ve been following through with some long-term plans, but you’ve recently hit a bump in the road. Don’t get discouraged, adapt. Remember, Christopher Columbus had no idea where he was actually going, but when he got there, he just owned it. Swag.

+ Aquarius

You’re gonna love college. It seems like no girls are interested in you now, but in the next two years, when you drop out and become a townie, the flow of frosh will be never-ending, brah.

+ Pisces

Someone in your life just fell from their pedestal. It’s OK, everybody’s human, and nobody’s perfect. Except for April Rose.

+ Follow Guy Code on TwitterFacebook and Tumblr

Jim Tews (@jimtews) is a comedian/amateur astrologer living in New York city.