What Not To Say To Your Girlfriend’s Parents

Credit: Vincent Besnault via Getty Images

“Very nice to meet you. I pictured you way fatter than you really are.”

“Your daughter is safe with me. Unless I’m the one in the danger…then she might have to die.”

“I love your daughter very much. With a rack like that, who wouldn’t?”

“I would love a drink, thank you. I’m sure you know how exhausting it is to listen to your daughter all day.”

“All this talk about your daughter is making me horny. Just kidding. I was horny before we got here, but she took too long to get ready.”

“I saw a pig wearing that same dress at the zoo, Mrs. Johnson!”

“Mr. Jones, you look exactly like this guy I knew in college. He was a huge stoner and accidentally set himself on fire.”

“Funny story how we met, actually. We were hammered and about to have a three-way…”

“Sorry we’re late. Your daughter can be a real bitch sometimes, right?”

“Wanna see something cool? I can do a tequila shot into my nose!”

“I can see where Donna gets her looks Mrs. Johnson. I totally have a boner for both of you right now.”

“Killer house Mr. and Mrs. Thompson. Kinda reminds me of the one I ripped off a few weeks ago.”

“You guys like impressions? Here’s my impression of a porn star finding out he has an STD…”

“You guys should follow me on Twitter. I’m @BigDickJimmy.”

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RG Daniels (@RGDaniels) is a comedian in Brooklyn, NY.