Things To Focus On When Meeting The Parents [Infographic]

There are a number of different ways you end up meeting your girlfriend’s parents, and almost all of them make you wish you could just date an orphan. Her parents will be skeptical of you or they’ll be creepily invested in your every word. You twitch, they judge. Regardless of how it goes down, you need to behave pretty much the same way. On tonight’s “Guy Code“, the cast will be talking about how to meet her parents. For reference, we made this pie chart so you understand the importance of each thing you should keep in mind.

Not Farting

This should be self-explanatory. Not only does it offend the senses, but farting in any new, tense situation speaks volumes about your general lack of self-discipline.

Dressing Like You Deserve A Girlfriend

What you wear will tell them about half as much about you as you not farting will, but it’s still important. You can’t be too classy on this one. If it’s not too hot outside, go for a cardigan: no man in a cardigan can be threatening. Also, wear slacks instead of jeans. Jeans make you look like a kid or a studio bassist. Finally, make sure your shoes are new-ish and unassuming. Brown is good. No one wearing brown shoes can be threatening.

PDA Control

Read the situation. However chill you think her parents are with kissing, touching or even just horn-dog looks, you need to underplay it by a degree. If her parents are California hippies who went to more swingers parties than their daughter’s soccer games, putting your hand on her thigh is the limit. If they’re your average, mildly conservative yet realistic couple, you need to be an altar boy: holding her hand had better look thrilling to you.

Keeping The Joke Count Low

They want you to be funny, but not too funny. Too funny means you’re not serious. And to them, not being serious means you’re not serious about their daughter. Also, the guy at dinner who makes too many jokes is usually annoying.

Discussing Your Career Goals

Not farting in front of them should tell them that no matter what your education level and chosen career happens to be, you still have your dignity, which means you’ll be a good partner for their daughter. When they do ask you about what you’re doing or planning to do, make sure to keep the answers short and positive. You could be curing cancer, but if you hog the dinner conversation by talking about yourself, that’ll make the bigger impression.

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a stand-up comedian and writer based in Brooklyn, NY.