5 Ways To Save Your Hair

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Most people know a guy who’s losing his hair and treat him respectfully without having to force it. But on the inside, that bald guy is freaking out. His pride is tied to his hair, and when he sees those clumps on the shower floor, he immediately assumes everyone hates him. It happens to a lot of men. So what can you do about it? You can always embrace fate and rock a shaved head, but only do this if you have a reasonably round, or at least smooth, skull. No one wants to see bumps and indentations on a naked scalp, so if you have them, try a different option. Maybe a full skull tattoo. Or just a cool hat. However, if you think the battle’s not lost and is still worth fighting, we have some advice for you about some of the more popular ways to keep your mullet in place. And no, we’re not even gonna talk about toupees as an option…unless you want to host a ’70s game show.

1. The Shampoo

People have been putting Rogaine on their heads since the ’80s. These days, its generic form, Minoxodil, is available, which at least makes it a bit cheaper. The thing with Rogaine is that it only works for a bald spot starting in the middle of your head, and even then, it’s not that consistent. And if you stop taking it, within a month or two your hair’s gonna go back to skydiving off your fat head. It does work for some people, but if your hair loss is genetic, don’t even bother.

2. Borrow The Healthy Hair

This sounds awesome, right? Doctors can move some of your thick, healthy follicles to your bald areas, and the follicles then grow new hair there without being subjected to your loser genetics. Problem is, no health insurance is going to cover this operation no matter how many times you tell them that the stress of going bald is going to give you cancer, and the procedure’s damn expensive. Also, for two weeks afterwards, you’re going to have a bloody, itchy scalp that you can’t scratch because you’ll rip out the follicles. Pretty gross.

3. The Pill

No, not that pill, unless you want everyone to stare at your new boobs instead of your shiny scalp. Finasteride, which in larger doses is used for prostate cancer, is the most effective way to keep your hair and regrow the hair you lost. It’s available as a generic drug, but it also goes by the name Propecia. Either way, it ain’t cheap. You’re going to have to drop bank each month to keep taking the pills, and because it’s hormonal, you have to take it at pretty much the exact same time each day or else you’ll get some bitchy side effects. Also, there’s a 2% chance that you’ll lose your sex drive, and there’s no cheap test to know if you’re in that 2%. The only thing having a full head of hair and no sex drive is good for is having a scandal-free political career. If that’s what you want, then this drug is for you.

4. Go Natural

As for any time you attempt the “natural” solution for something, it’s probably not going to work. But that’s not going to stop you from thinking you’re awesome for breaking the chains of drug company slavery. And hey, if your hair loss isn’t genetic, using things like cold-pressed coconut oil or avocado oil as conditioner might actually help, as long as you’re willing to walk around smelling like a Spring Break hangover and some killer guacamole.

5. Get Your Thyroid Checked

Hair loss usually happens when hormones block off the follicles from the inside. Both low and high thyroid hormone levels in your body can cause hair loss, so ask your doctor to test your blood for that. If your thyroid is the culprit, you’re probably still going to have to take meds, but they’re usually cheaper than hair loss meds…and your balls will still work.

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Charlie Kasov (@charliekasov) is a stand-up comedian and writer based in Brooklyn, NY.