The Pros And Cons Of Getting Divorced

Credit: Banks/Brewer/ Splash News

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are freshly divorced, along with Seal and Heidi Klum, Chad Johnson and Evelyn Lozada, and Denver-based comedian/Guy Code Blog contributor Andrew Orvedahl. Yes, I am amongst this group of show business broken marriages. It’s tough, but as a freshly divorced dude (ah, smell it!), I’ve come to realize that there are pros and cons to it. Just as every cloud has its silver lining, and every rose has its thorns, so too does the disintegration of your family into a sulfurous black hole have its upsides.

PRO: You don’t have to hold anyone’s purse in an airport.
CON: You don’t have anyone to watch your luggage while you pee.

PRO: You can experience the thrills of dating all over again.
CON: Marriage was supposed to be the prize for enduring all those horrible dates.

PRO: You can start sleeping with other people.
CON: You could have been doing that anyway.

PRO: No one will tell you how to load the dishwasher.
CON: Your new studio apartment doesn’t have a dishwasher.

PRO: It’s like you’re single and 22 again!
CON: But with 75% less hair and a son!

PRO: You can just leave the toilet seat up all the time.
CON: You just fell in trying to take a dump.

PRO: You get to do all the meal planning.
CON: Turns out you can only eat pizza for so many weeks in a row before organs start shutting down.

PRO: Can pawn your wedding ring for beer money.
CON: Can’t buy that much beer with $7.

PRO: No one kicking you out onto the couch.
CON: The couch is actually just your new bed.

PRO: You can finally listen to heavy metal in the car! WHOOO!
CON: You are horribly, horribly alone.

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Andrew Orvedahl (@TheOrvedahl) is single and ready to mingle (young people still say that, right?).